Honesty is NOT normal. Lying is a defense either for the other person or for the person telling the lie, and lies are therefore a form of emotional protection. Oddly enough, I can’t think of a more effective form of emotional protection in discourse than a lie told so well that it’s believed indefinitely or at least long enough so that when truth is discovered, it is no longer the painful experience it would have been at the time of the lie. There’s also something about being dishonest that just sits wrong with me, and I think people in general, that *typically* results in the lies being told only when no other truth, however diplomatic, will serve well enough as a form of protection for someone involved. I loathe lying, and can’t stand it when I catch myself telling one for any reason…though that hasn’t stopped me in the past for some reason. Maybe it’s just another sign I’m a mere mortal, or am I by definition, a liar, as far as civilized society is concerned? Honesty is so much preferable, and not being capable of shame or guilt would make total honesty much easier, wouldn’t it?
So, now back to the four of us; and it looks as if we’re going to make an attempt at a “quad”. Why not, he’s a good, close friend who I trust, I love my wife and I’m in love with his wife who loves me in addition to her husband who considers me a good, close friend. What a fucking disaster that turned out to be. He refuses to “share” his wife unless he’s watching her every move in terms of intimate moments, and he’s pretty sure that he’ll never be okay with the fact that his wife loves someone romantically in addition to himself. Well, okay, I’ve been there before so I understand jealousy, though I’m extremely not good with the fact that he was capable of having sexual relations with my wife, alone, as well as a threesome with his wife and mine, but incapable of a quid pro quo where I could have sexual relations with his wife, alone, or a threesome with them without his presence. Okay, I try a foursome, a threesome a couple of times, and I was so uncomfortable each time that the experience, for me was almost a total let down, the last time because he needed to see that I trusted him and his wife asked me to stay the night for that reason, primarily. MISTAKE! Oh well, that’s a different story altogether and what happened isn’t pertinent to what I’m writing <chuckle>.
So here’s how it plays out for the most part. For months after this, my girlfriend and I get some time alone every once in a while because pool night is something we considered untouchable. By this time, our chemistry and our desire causes us to throw caution to the wind, besides, I believe in the back of our minds we thought her husband was being entirely unfair, and we make-out almost every time we go out, whether it’s at the table in the pool hall just holding one another and kissing, or out in the car on the way back home where we can get in a little light petting. And during this period my wife has constantly been supportive of us making out whenever we can and even offers to stand guard and cover for us when we get brave enough to decide we’re willing to go farther than just making out, always telling us how she wishes we could spend more quality time together since we rarely get to spend quality alone time. She was also fairly adamant that the relationship between my girlfriend and me was strictly between us, and shouldn’t have any interference or be shaped or molded by outside influences such as herself or my girlfriend’s husband. I took her at her word at this, primarily because I don’t want any outside influences if I can help it, and besides, she’s got 20+ years experience at this polyamory and relationship building stuff, so I go with it.
Now we come to today. In the past, I’ve gone over to my girlfriend’s house without telling my wife first. I’ve talked to my girlfriend to find some sense of comfort when my wife is upset at me. I’ve gone over to talk to my girlfriend and it’s turned into a 3-4 hour make-out session. All of which hurt my wife’s feelings because I’m supposed to tell her what my plans are first so she’s never taken by surprise and I’m supposed to tell her about everything that happens, and I’m not supposed to use my girlfriend as comfort during the times when I just don’t want to deal with complications in my relationship with my wife. I’ve told my wife she’s the most important person in my life and taken time away from her to spend with my girlfriend who I still only see once a week or so. I’ve been “loving” in terms of touching my girlfriend in front of my wife without giving my wife equal treatment at the time, and still I feel like my wife is the most important person in my life, meaning, to me, that I do indeed love her more than I love my girlfriend. Perhaps, however, it’s not a question of love as much as it is comfort, happy contentment, and the knowledge that I’ve been able to talk to my wife about anything and everything over the past 20+ years and she has been there for me when I needed a rock, needed comfort, and even when I needed a good swift kick in the ass. I still feel my eyes lock on her every once in a while with tenderness and thankfulness and love and those times haven’t stopped. I don’t like to hurt her and I don’t mean to hurt her, but I do, every once in a while get carried away with what I’m hoping is the NRE of this 6 month old new love in my life. I question it myself sometimes though. Maybe I’m more in love with my girlfriend than my wife, but there’s a huge security blanket I’ve got with my marriage, and when that’s combined with the fact that my girlfriend isn’t willing to leave her husband, and he’s not good with her having any romantic feelings for anyone but him, I’m using my wife as a safety net.
I don’t think I’m using my wife as a safety net or only as a safety net anyway. I feel like I love her more deeply than I love my new girlfriend simply because of the life we’ve built together and the trials, tribulations, joys and happiness we’ve shared. But my new girlfriend gets me light-headed, giddy, and punch-drunk and I feel altogether high and happy every time I see her and get the chance to just touch her hand. I don’t EVER remember that with anyone else in my past, including my wife. That’s not to say it wasn’t there, though my wife is convinced it wasn’t with her, but I don’t remember it at all so she’s probably right about it. It’s that feeling that I can’t hide, the light coming on in my eyes and my smile that gives me away to my wife and it cuts her to the bone, and that hurts me too. She’s convinced that I love my girlfriend more than her. Maybe I do, though I don’t think so. But I can’t reconcile the belief that I love my wife “more” than my girlfriend with the physical changes that take place when my girlfriend and I are with each other that I don’t get when I’m around my wife. I can’t deny the fact that there are times, and they’re getting more and more frequent, when I do think I’m more in love with my girlfriend. Hell, there are times when I’m even sure of it, and I have no idea why or how, but the reality of our situation, and the thought of what I’ve built with my wife and her with her husband jerks me back to reality.
In general, I’m one confused, fucked-up, maybe even monogamous person who just happened to find the one female in 3 billion or so who I could love in addition to someone else. I don’t know what to do about any of this. But I do know this; the most important thing to me right now, at this moment, is to get my wife to not hurt the way she’s hurting right now, believing that she’s no longer the person I love most. How to do this is beyond me. Even now I’m sort of a little angry at my wife seeming to *push* me into this (even though I was a very willing participant), telling me this new relationship was just between us, and then being so devastated when things happen that lead her to believe, contrary to what I think is true, that she’s no longer the primary love of my life. It almost feels like I’ve walked into the perfect trap that was set up just for me, and nobody but a saint could have avoided, and I’ve never even come close to claiming sainthood. The other night she was looking through advice columns to try to find coping methods to her belief that she’s now secondary. I asked her if she’d posted her thoughts to the poly forums to get some input, and she broke down in tears saying she didn’t want strangers to know anything or see what happened to her since she felt ashamed that she was no longer my number one in her opinion. I’ve offered to completely shut off the romantic/physical involvement with my girlfriend and substantially limit any contact with her, but my wife says that’s no good because the feelings won’t change, and that’s what has hurt her so badly.