Honesty is NOT normal. Lying is a defense either for the other person or for the person telling the lie, and lies are therefore a form of emotional protection. Oddly enough, I canít think of a more effective form of emotional protection in discourse than a lie told so well that itís believed indefinitely or at least long enough so that when truth is discovered, it is no longer the painful experience it would have been at the time of the lie. Thereís also something about being dishonest that just sits wrong with me, and I think people in general, that *typically* results in the lies being told only when no other truth, however diplomatic, will serve well enough as a form of protection for someone involved. I loathe lying, and canít stand it when I catch myself telling one for any reasonÖthough that hasnít stopped me in the past for some reason. Maybe itís just another sign Iím a mere mortal, or am I by definition, a liar, as far as civilized society is concerned? Honesty is so much preferable, and not being capable of shame or guilt would make total honesty much easier, wouldnít it?
So, now back to the four of us; and it looks as if weíre going to make an attempt at a ďquadĒ. Why not, heís a good, close friend who I trust, I love my wife and Iím in love with his wife who loves me in addition to her husband who considers me a good, close friend. What a fucking disaster that turned out to be. He refuses to ďshareĒ his wife unless heís watching her every move in terms of intimate moments, and heís pretty sure that heíll never be okay with the fact that his wife loves someone romantically in addition to himself. Well, okay, Iíve been there before so I understand jealousy, though Iím extremely not good with the fact that he was capable of having sexual relations with my wife, alone, as well as a threesome with his wife and mine, but incapable of a quid pro quo where I could have sexual relations with his wife, alone, or a threesome with them without his presence. Okay, I try a foursome, a threesome a couple of times, and I was so uncomfortable each time that the experience, for me was almost a total let down, the last time because he needed to see that I trusted him and his wife asked me to stay the night for that reason, primarily. MISTAKE! Oh well, thatís a different story altogether and what happened isnít pertinent to what Iím writing <chuckle>.
So hereís how it plays out for the most part. For months after this, my girlfriend and I get some time alone every once in a while because pool night is something we considered untouchable. By this time, our chemistry and our desire causes us to throw caution to the wind, besides, I believe in the back of our minds we thought her husband was being entirely unfair, and we make-out almost every time we go out, whether itís at the table in the pool hall just holding one another and kissing, or out in the car on the way back home where we can get in a little light petting. And during this period my wife has constantly been supportive of us making out whenever we can and even offers to stand guard and cover for us when we get brave enough to decide weíre willing to go farther than just making out, always telling us how she wishes we could spend more quality time together since we rarely get to spend quality alone time. She was also fairly adamant that the relationship between my girlfriend and me was strictly between us, and shouldnít have any interference or be shaped or molded by outside influences such as herself or my girlfriendís husband. I took her at her word at this, primarily because I donít want any outside influences if I can help it, and besides, sheís got 20+ years experience at this polyamory and relationship building stuff, so I go with it.
Now we come to today. In the past, Iíve gone over to my girlfriendís house without telling my wife first. Iíve talked to my girlfriend to find some sense of comfort when my wife is upset at me. Iíve gone over to talk to my girlfriend and itís turned into a 3-4 hour make-out session. All of which hurt my wifeís feelings because Iím supposed to tell her what my plans are first so sheís never taken by surprise and Iím supposed to tell her about everything that happens, and Iím not supposed to use my girlfriend as comfort during the times when I just donít want to deal with complications in my relationship with my wife. Iíve told my wife sheís the most important person in my life and taken time away from her to spend with my girlfriend who I still only see once a week or so. Iíve been ďlovingĒ in terms of touching my girlfriend in front of my wife without giving my wife equal treatment at the time, and still I feel like my wife is the most important person in my life, meaning, to me, that I do indeed love her more than I love my girlfriend. Perhaps, however, itís not a question of love as much as it is comfort, happy contentment, and the knowledge that Iíve been able to talk to my wife about anything and everything over the past 20+ years and she has been there for me when I needed a rock, needed comfort, and even when I needed a good swift kick in the ass. I still feel my eyes lock on her every once in a while with tenderness and thankfulness and love and those times havenít stopped. I donít like to hurt her and I donít mean to hurt her, but I do, every once in a while get carried away with what Iím hoping is the NRE of this 6 month old new love in my life. I question it myself sometimes though. Maybe Iím more in love with my girlfriend than my wife, but thereís a huge security blanket Iíve got with my marriage, and when thatís combined with the fact that my girlfriend isnít willing to leave her husband, and heís not good with her having any romantic feelings for anyone but him, Iím using my wife as a safety net.
I donít think Iím using my wife as a safety net or only as a safety net anyway. I feel like I love her more deeply than I love my new girlfriend simply because of the life weíve built together and the trials, tribulations, joys and happiness weíve shared. But my new girlfriend gets me light-headed, giddy, and punch-drunk and I feel altogether high and happy every time I see her and get the chance to just touch her hand. I donít EVER remember that with anyone else in my past, including my wife. Thatís not to say it wasnít there, though my wife is convinced it wasnít with her, but I donít remember it at all so sheís probably right about it. Itís that feeling that I canít hide, the light coming on in my eyes and my smile that gives me away to my wife and it cuts her to the bone, and that hurts me too. Sheís convinced that I love my girlfriend more than her. Maybe I do, though I donít think so. But I canít reconcile the belief that I love my wife ďmoreĒ than my girlfriend with the physical changes that take place when my girlfriend and I are with each other that I donít get when Iím around my wife. I canít deny the fact that there are times, and theyíre getting more and more frequent, when I do think Iím more in love with my girlfriend. Hell, there are times when Iím even sure of it, and I have no idea why or how, but the reality of our situation, and the thought of what Iíve built with my wife and her with her husband jerks me back to reality.
In general, Iím one confused, fucked-up, maybe even monogamous person who just happened to find the one female in 3 billion or so who I could love in addition to someone else. I donít know what to do about any of this. But I do know this; the most important thing to me right now, at this moment, is to get my wife to not hurt the way sheís hurting right now, believing that sheís no longer the person I love most. How to do this is beyond me. Even now Iím sort of a little angry at my wife seeming to *push* me into this (even though I was a very willing participant), telling me this new relationship was just between us, and then being so devastated when things happen that lead her to believe, contrary to what I think is true, that sheís no longer the primary love of my life. It almost feels like Iíve walked into the perfect trap that was set up just for me, and nobody but a saint could have avoided, and Iíve never even come close to claiming sainthood. The other night she was looking through advice columns to try to find coping methods to her belief that sheís now secondary. I asked her if sheíd posted her thoughts to the poly forums to get some input, and she broke down in tears saying she didnít want strangers to know anything or see what happened to her since she felt ashamed that she was no longer my number one in her opinion. Iíve offered to completely shut off the romantic/physical involvement with my girlfriend and substantially limit any contact with her, but my wife says thatís no good because the feelings wonít change, and thatís what has hurt her so badly.