Thread: Please help
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Old 04-24-2010, 02:32 PM
EugenePoet EugenePoet is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2010
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I agree with kamala: care, patience, and thoughtfulness are going to be very important to you. The issues with infidelity are troubling, and there needs to be acknowledgement of what went wrong and how to keep it from going wrong again with some other person.

Sadly, no one on this forum can hand you the solution to your problems. No matter how careful your descriptions, we have only words to look at. But you are dealing with real people, real emotions, and doing it in real time. So you will be the one who finds the key to making it work, or perhaps the reasons why you need to find something better.

Some thoughts:

When I'm at work I notice that different people contribute different things to the team. Sure, some have expertise and competence, but others are the gentle jokers who make it possible for us all to work closely. Some are quiet and stay in the background until they see just the right thing to do at the right time. Etc.

If there are three people in your relationship, who is the agenda-setter? Who is the one who defuses argument-bombs? Who is the one who challenges? Who is the one who makes tea for everyone else? Who is the one who always has an opinion, and who is the one who sometimes smiles and says nothing? Who is the one who reaches out to touch, and who is the one who pulls back -- and why?

People take different roles at different times, of course. But -- to take an obvious example -- if there are two people who are always trying to set the agenda and challenge the group then there is likely to be conflict.

You might look at your partners and think about their roles, and the role you can take. Can you all balance each other?

You might think about needs, wants, and time. What are your needs from this relationship? Affection, obviously. One-on-one quality time with Jelani, obviously. What else? Do you want friendship with Khadija? Do you need time to yourself? Do you need time to spend with other friends, or on school or job duties, or with family? Make a list of the things you want and need. How do you think you can structure your relationship so that you will have times when these needs and wants can be met?

And how about Jelani and Khadija? What do you think their needs and wants are? Make two more lists! Try to see how you, if you were queen of the world, would arrange things so that everyone got the best shot at getting their needs met. But then, if you can, ask them what they need. Ask how they think you all might to get to a point where everyone is getting what they need, and at least most of what they want.

See, none of us here on the forum have answers to these questions. We can't even guess! But you're smart and relationship-aware, so you can figure it out.

And there are probably lots of other questions you could ask about you, Jelani, and Khadija. The two about roles, and about needs/wants/time are the two that came to my mind first, that's all.

I guess the main thing is to think about the relationships. kamala is right: go slow and be thoughtful.

Last edited by EugenePoet; 04-24-2010 at 02:45 PM.
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