I was wondering if there was anyway that you can help us with this situation. I will try to explain the best way I can:
I was dating this guy (Jelani) for 2 years now. FOr a portion of that time him and I were dating other people however we decided to try to make it exclusive. He was unsure about it because he had such issues with being exclusive in the past but he decided to give it a shot because he had such deep feelings for me. In this time he decided to just be friends with one of the girls he was previously dating (Khadija). 3 months into our exclusive relationship he broke the news to me that he cheated on me with Khadija. This hurt me alot because I always had reservations about this person and never felt comfortable yet, I didnt say anything because I didnt want to come off as jelous. I felt he was entitled to be friends with whomever. He told me it was just a fling and he Loves me etc etc. I asked him not to see her again but he continued to and this affair went on for months. I stood by him as hurt as I was. I asked him to not discuss this girl with me but to figure out what he is going to do in terms of the relationship. Were he and I going to break up? Or was he going to get rid of her. He assured me that she was just a phase but she would phase out. SO I agreed to wait it out. Everyone deserves a second chance dont they? anyway, Finally in October 2009 he told me that he actually loved her but he still loved me and wanted to be with the both of us. This was very hard to process for me and I became quite combative and closed off with him. Through some research Khadija presented the idea that he may be polyamorous and he identified with that and the principles that came with it. I was very (and still kinda am) quite resistant to that. Not only did I have to deal with the betrayal of infidelity but I also, If I wanted to be with him, had to get along with this woman that hurt me so much. I started acting out I was always crying. I didnt want ne thing to do with her. I would avoid conversations which he didn't like. But slowly I am coming around.
Through this new relationship, there is a few things in regards to my communication style that they do not agree with. He said he had always disagreed with it but didn't make it an issue until now which I find quite suspicious and unnerving that he would keep something like that at such a minimal for such a long period of time. And I am now trying to work on them and alter them because I also agree they are negative. Through this process there were times where I would regress back to that stye of communication which they did not agree with and told me to stop doing. IT is not that easy to just cut out a behaviour you have been doing for so long, and I continuously try to explain that to them and ask them to be more patient with me as I go through this process. REcently we had an arugment which I feel all three of us were at fault with and now the new found problem is that Khadija is saying its too late, she doesnt want to continue on in this relationship with me. That i was argumentative. Defensive. I have an ego. And this is causing Jelani to pull away from me as well and question our future together because he feels that he had to tell me to alter those behaviours too many times. Now none of them want to talk me. They dont appear that interested in going to counselling or having a mediator. Neither of them want to talk about the fact of how this relationship was established on such dishonest grounds. They want to leave the cheating in the past but yet my past behaviours are still being held against me as much as I am trying to change them. ANd its like they don't seem to understand that establishing a relationship from such a place takes HARD work and they appear willing to just let it fall apart. They felt they did too much as is and now they are done with me. I do realize at times that I may shut down when I am very emotional. They keep saying they can't talk to me because I force them to repeat themselves. all I am asking for is time to really deal with this which my boyfriend Jelani is impatient with me. He barely wants to speak to me which isn't like him at all. we have a lot of letters to eachother back and forth and I think maybe I should also bring those in so you can have a better understanding of things. Am I really that problematic to communicate with? It feels like they want to be with one another but won't tell me. He wont leave, instead its like hes trying to get me to leave, like they are pushing me out. Maybe that is in my head but thats how it feels. They also have things they need to work on. But I feel a lot of the weight and emphasis is being placed on my areas of improvement and that is both overwhelming and frustrating.
In saying all this I feel I have to say that we all have really good attributes about ourselves that I like that are both intrinsic and extrinsic. Jelani is so loving; I love how he takes care of children. Watching him with my nieces and nephews as well as his nephew is such a joy to observe. He is so patient and playful and free-spirited. I keep urging him to pursue a career as a Child and Youth worker or a Teacher but he doesnít feel that is the right choice for him which I understand. He is also very funny and laid back and personable. He has a big heart. He is there for his friends and family. He is hardworking and a good listener (at times) and patient (to an extent. But who doesnít have their limits?). I love him more than words can say.
Khadija, although I donít really know her that well has positives to her as well based on the little I observed and what Iíve been told by Jelani. She is smart and talented. She can dance so well at times I envy her skills. She tries to her best to be objective and resolve situations (In saying that I still feel some areas of her conflict management skills need improvement). She loves Jelani very much and encourages him to better himself and better himself in life. Sheís strong willed (Conversely, at times that can be one of her drawbacks). She appears to be a good person with good intentions. But at times from my observations I feel she doesnít acknowledge, internalize or reflect on a lot of what I say to her. And Im sure she can say the same thing about me as well, which is where I feel A LOT of our issues lie. I hope this is a thorough enough depiction for you to make your formulations from.