KT I think you are a very strong woman. I don't think you give yourself enough credit. It takes a very strong woman to go through what you are going through and still have enough energy to talk about it. Your husband picks well!
I don't think I don't understand a mono point of view. I understand that you need to find a path that works for you. That isn't mono or poly. I think that you are right. Either you join in or go your own way. Neither is right or wrong. What is best for you is what should be. And when I say what is best I mean *for you* not for your husband or anyone else. Love him or not, if you are not comfortable, then don't do it.
I think you are on the right path if you are spending time figuring out what you want and becoming actively engaged in your life and achieving a balance rather than making it one sided between kids and husband with no time for you. There is no sustainable future in that I have found. I do the same things you do every day. I understand what its about. I still do my own thing though. I still make time for my stuff. Hopefully if you do too you will have a better idea of what direction you want to go.