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Old 07-29-2014, 03:10 PM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SoNH
Posts: 1,343

Thanks, Jane and Ry.

I swear I had another post in the queue, but it seems to have disappeared. Oh well... Evidently, I closed the tab or something. Such is the danger of running Chrome with a bajillion tabs at one time.

The weekend & day off were really nice (although Chops' motorcycle is NOT cooperating). We got down to Galilee, RI for some clam cakes and chowdah (if you've never done it, DO IT!) and some photo-taking along the rocky shoreline. Then to Newburyport, MA the next day. Once again, the antique shop I'd wanted to go see was closed, and I finally figured out that it's not open Mondays, but Monday holidays. Derp. Once again, I come home without exploring the big, giant barn-o-stuff. I will get there someday! <shakes tiny fist>

Chops and I are doing well, although this week will probably be a bit of a challenge. I'm out on vacation this week with the kids, since their dad went through surgery yesterday and can't really move around too much (hernia surgery). Chops doesn't like to "pull me away from the kids" so he separates himself from us. That's fine once in a while, but it serves to separate himself from them as well, and it makes it easy for the 13-year-old to ignore him and treat him as if he doesn't exist (although to be fair, she does this with everyone... she's such an introvert, and really doesn't engage anyone, ever). When she does that, it bugs him, and just serves to pull him away from the kids even more. And there is nothing I can do other than find activities we can all do together once in a while, and at least give them an opportunity to interact. It's frustrating to me, because it's like we don't get to enjoy each others' presence until the kids go to bed, and it just makes the divide worse.

I'm not sure what the best course of action here is, other than just to continue to do what I'm doing. I can't force anything (and I wouldn't if I could), but it sucks to feel as though he's pushing them to go to bed so we can have "our time" when it's summer vacation and I have no problem with them staying up a bit later, in principle.

Oh well. Last night, my cousin spent some time with us anyway, so it was a late night all around.

In other news, I started a blog. Just what the Internet needs, right?

I think a couple things helped me reach my tipping point. First, many of the Mono folks on the email list had major difficulties finding resources on Poly (or Mono/Poly) relationships that didn't sound "anti-Mono". It's something I found aggravating as well. "Mono's fine for some people, buuuuut..." is usually the best you see, and it's still dismissive as hell. Sage's blog was a nice alternative, and I personally found Franklin Veaux's site a good one, in that it did more than pay lip service to the validity of actually BEING a mono partner in a mono/poly relationship. Still, when looking up resources on Polyamory, the Internet is kind of a lonely place for Mono partners. I figured why not try to add a voice that's been there (and still is), even if my situation doesn't quite jive with many folks'.

The second thing that tipped me over the edge was some comments here on the boards. I still maintain that *I* have never felt judged here. I enjoy debate and conversation, and I tend not to take things from Random Internet Strangers personally. However, I've been bugged by the tone of some comments toward mono folks in newly-opened relationships. People are afraid - their world has turned upside-down on them, and setting up rules and agreements may be the only way they can try to regain trust in their partner. Ripping mono partners apart for trying to find a way in which to feel secure is a great way of pushing people away, leaving them feeling that poly folks are hostile to monos. It's true that they don't give a shit about the OSO's feelings in many cases, because they're trying to find their OWN balance. It's tough to feel charitable when you feel like your life is running out of control (and especially tough when you feel the other person is part of the cause).

Nobody here is WRONG. But the different points-of-view are difficult to grasp for people who are struggling. So I figured I get it (to a point); I understand the fear of what the future looks like. I understand the resentment in having to change your entire world view. If I can offer something to help, and show them that yes, it *can* work, but it takes time, experience, work, honesty, etc., then okay.

It's a variation on the "if you want something done, do it yourself" mantra.
So I did.

Title is what it is because of my utter frustration in Googling for anything to do with Mono/Poly relationships. Thank you, Parker Brothers.

We shall see what comes of it. This blog thread is more my stream-of-consciousness, day-to-day thing. That one will be more polished. Stuff I've gone through, not stuff I'm working through (or at least, not in a "venting while I'm working through it" sort of way). Not like I don't have a bunch of other things to do, of course, but that's how I roll... if I don't have a to-do list a mile long, I don't feel right.

Okay, off to rouse the older child before lunchtime. Aah, vacation.
Dramatis personae:
Me: 47/F, Divorced with 2 kids, 2 cats, fish, a tarantula, and a 1930s house with many projects.
Chops: 48/M, Partner of 6 years.
Spinner: 52/M, Friend I went on a couple dates with. Divorced, Mono, "just friends".
Xena: 47/F, Chops' partner of 6 years
Curls: 50/F, Chops' partner of 1 year

Supporting Characters:
Choplet: Chops' son
DanceGirl: My oldest daughter
Pokégirl: My youngest daughter
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