Things I Learned in Summer Camp continued
Again, this is mostly internal stuff but feel free to comment if so inclined.
Still in order as I think of them:
I have so much stuff to work out about attraction. I was fairly down and depressed because I felt ignored as a sexual being at camp. Maybe it was because I'm fat? Or not a young person anymore? Or that I don't dress particularly traditionally feminine? All of those things may be true - or they may not be true at all. But I have a story I tell myself about attraction. I don't feel attractive most of the time. If I do feel attractive, it's not generated internally most of the time. It's in response to someone's else's reaction to me. In other words, someone is attracted to me and so I feel attractive. This isn't a bad thing on its own. But I find it so hard to feel attractive without that external mirror. That's part of the issue. I've always felt very female but very rarely have I felt feminine. That's in large part because feminine feels to me like a trap, being contained and hemmed in. I never competed with other women or girls for the attention of men/boys because partly that is just weird, but also because I felt I could never win. So I didn't play the game, so to speak. So while I didn't play those competitive, destructive games girls play on and with each other over boys, I just didn't think I was worthy to compete. And that part is not a good thing. Ugh. So much to sort out about attraction! Going to take awhile. I'm not really looking forward to it but it does seem both necessary and timely.
Apparently I find it easier to be grounded than most people. At least in these hippie, new age, pagan-friendly, personal growth, spiritual development circles. Being grounded seems to be connected to a strong sense of self, at least in how I experience it. I've always had that, even as a very small child. (One of many things my parents did really well.) I don't seem to experience feeling ungrounded the way other folks do. I generally don't struggle with making decisions and if I am, that means I am seriously, seriously stuck. I don't know what to do with this. It just seems to me to be a gift.