Thread: KT's Blog
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Old 04-23-2010, 01:32 AM
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KatTails KatTails is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 374

Ok - try number 2. Warning - this is long!

ariakas - thanks

Originally posted by idealist: People change and things change. Also- there are climate issues and storms which are responsible for moving a boat off of it's original course. Many boats are completely destroyed and often times the people are destroyed too. But, sometimes, people are found washed up on shore....still alive and with a glimmer of hope about the future.
Idealist - I love this description. Thank you for your support - I am searching for a glimmer of hope. I love my husband more than anything - and do not want to ever lose him. I have to find a way to work through these feelings and uncertainties. My emotions and marriage are very fragile right now - so this is not a good time to start buying supplies to build my boat. Maybe eventually, but I don't want to make anymore waves right now. I need to patch up the holes of our boat first.

Originally posted by mono: I read it again..still sad. It sounds like this is not a poly relationship among three people but a relationship between two. To keep with your analogy it sounds as though you've gone from co-captain to cabin boy. If that's the case I suggest you cut the line and hoist your own sail.

Your husband is "in your life" but he is "not your life". It's ok to be afraid to stand on your own if that is where your journey takes you, but don't let fear make you surrender what you want and need.
Mono - it makes me sad too! I bawled when I read this to them - it was very hard to express my emotions - especially to morningglory. She was great and held my hand in support - I needed that, but it also made me cry more.

My husband (and kids) ARE my life and I can't imagine a life without him. I need to become a stronger, more independent person - and I am working on that. Fear, insecurity, low self-esteem, self-loathing - are all very hard things to overcome.

Originally posted by Derby: You shouldn't have to feel like you're just along for the ride in something that you've been building for the past 19 years.
Derby - that is exactly how I am feeling, unfortunately. They don't mean to make me feel this way - but they want a future together - regardless of how I feel about it.

Originally posted by morningglorry: If it is ok with KT, I will reply. But she knows I care about her feelings and I think her ananlogy was a beautiful way to express her feelings.
MG - I do know that you care about my feelings - you showed that at counseling on Tuesday and I truly appreciate it! If you want to comment - please feel free. We have two different perspectives - and I can only write about mine.

Originally posted by ak2381: I teared up at your story. But you also know how much I sympathize for you. I often feel the same. And it is the times that we fall off of what our agreements are that make us remember to keep each other in the loop so there can be less pain than there already is.
ak - as I've said many times before - it's nice to have someone who is experiencing many of the same things and understands what it is like being a mono in a "V" I'll try to PM you tonight or tomorrow.

Originally posted by redpepper: To me a self identified woman, who is independant, would have her own boat and a house on shore to come home to. Somewhere she can meet with those she loves. She would be travelling along with her husband and his boat and making plans to go places but also having ones own plans to travel. Why shouldn't he have plans to hang with others? Why don't you? Who do you spend your time with? What do you do that is your own? What are your plans? What do you do that is all yours? How are you working on getting your own needs met?
redpepper - yes, you were harsh. But you are also partially right. I am not a self identified, independent, strong woman. I am a shy, insecure, introverted, spineless (when it comes to my husband) woman. He is my life - and it's very hard to see him have a life outside of our marriage. It is going to take time to adjust. I don't do things on my own or for myself. I don't hang out with friends. I don't have many interests. Maybe that is why this is so hard. How do I spend my time? Since my husband works evenings, I am a married, single Mom - I go to work, take care of the kids after school, run them to all of their activities, come home, make dinner, lunches, laundry, bills, then sleep. Wake up - do it all again. No, I'm not whining - I love my life. Yes, I know women all over do this. But my days are filled with work, my nights with the kids - I have no babysitters and my MIL can't watch them alot. There is no "me" time. Weekends are the only days that the kids and I get to see my husband - that is purely family time. Every few weeks my husband and I bowl on a team - and that is the only time we go out without the kids. My husband, on the other hand, is home all day - he is free to do what he wants or needs to do, including seeing MG when they can arrange it. At the encouragement of my husband and my counselor - I have started taking glass classes, but they are only once a month. I am hoping to take more over the summer since I will be off work. I am trying to become stronger, more independent - it's not easy. I have a lot of personal issues to deal with first.

Originally posted by redpepper: They were making plans for our boat, getting all excited and stuff. They wanted to know my thoughts and I got overwhelmed with this other person making plans with us. Instead of asking them to slow down so I could catch up, I got jealous, I got frustrated and began to feel left out so I *chose* to see it as my husband didn't care about our 19 years together. I *chose* to resent it all, even though they said I was a huge part of the plans and wanted to make them together. I *chose* to tie myself to the boat and sit in my dingy and pout with my arms crossed over my chest. They told me to come back in the boat but I decided I liked pittying myself better and blaming them for my feelings. When the boat started to move forward in a different direction (because it had to move somewhere), I got to say, "HA, told you you weren't thinking about me! This is exactly what I have been saying! You are leaving me out." Even if it could be you that has *chosen* to not engage them.
You very may well be right - but my analogy is what I am experiencing and feeling - and that is a lot of pain. I am sure that their analogies would be different. I can only write about how I feel - it's what I know. You have a lot of insight and wisdom - and I appreciate your honesty - but unless you are a mono who is being asked to accept this lifestyle that your SO has forced upon you - you can't fully understand. I am sure that my husband and MG agree with you - because they are seeing it from their perspective - which is that they are in love and I am trying to stop it or make it difficult. I never wanted this lifestyle. I never wanted to share my husband. I don't see her in our future. But I am being asked to accept her, to accept their relationship and to accept that they want a future together. It's not an easy thing to wrap your head around - especially when you have a mono brain. BUT I LOVE MY HUSBAND AND WOULD DO ANYTHING TO MAKE HIM HAPPY - and in the process it's making me miserable. I can't keep going on like this. I have to decide if it's time to jump ship or to hang on. I do need to work on becoming a stronger woman - and to rely on myself more and him less. It is a long process - but I am taking steps everyday to work towards total acceptance. This site - and everyone on here is making it a lot easier. I stumble, I fall, I get back up again. That's the important thing. Thanks for your opinion - truly! I hope that some day I can look at things with the openness and gratitude that you do - and appreciate love for loves sake.

LR - thank you! As I told you in the email - reading the posts about you, Maca and GG have really helped me. It helps to see what the poly is feeling - because sometimes I get so caught up in my feelings that I can't see or understand his. MG is a wonderful, compassionate, strong, independent woman - we are exact opposites. She intimidates me - and she knows that. But she loves my husband incredibly - and she makes him happy in ways I don't. It is hard to not compare myself to her or to not assume that my husband does. These are the feelings and issues that a lot (not all) mono's go through. The pain is overwhelming, the jealousy is intense. It's hard to keep things in perspective when you are feeling so many intense, uncomfortable, terrifying feelings. But her and I are trying to build a foundation for friendship, trust, openness and honesty - because like it or not, we love the same man and both want him to be happy.

I need to look for the positives - but it's hard to see it through the storm squalls that come crashing in over me. It's a process - and one that I am committed to continueing.

Thank you everyone! Goodnight - Kat
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