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Old 04-22-2010, 04:39 PM
saudade saudade is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 139
Red face My journey with this stuff

Sorry I'm joining late, been sick lately and haven't had the energy to sign on after a full work day. (My job involves lots of running and chasing... which is swell until around 8pm when I'm home on the couch!)

First off, @Vandalin:
I, "Cajun"
take you, "Vandalin"
to be no other than yourself
loving what I know of you
trusting what I do not yet know
with respect for your integrity
and faith in your love for me
through all our years
and in all that life may bring us.
I've been looking for vows that I could say and mean them for over a year now. Thank you.

Second, I love the idea of a life commitment ceremony, and all the thinking that's happening along those lines.

Third... @Mono, I hear what you're saying about a marriage ceremony-- what's it for, if not fidelity? It's something I've actually been struggling with in my own way, because K and I are engaged (wedding's in 5mos and change ) and trying to decide what it means for us to be wed.

Mon, it feels like you've latched pretty strongly onto the idea that marriage is about monofidelity. It's understandable, both because that's a big part of the commonly accepted meaning of the term and because that piece stands out in sharper relief against a poly background.

There are lots of concepts (marriage and poly included) that I just see as boxes. Everybody throws stuff in their box, and wraps it, and then calls the sum of the parts X. For the 'marriage' box, lots of people throw monofidelity in-- but there's lots of other stuff we can choose to put in (with or without monofidelity):
  • remaining together until death
  • raising children
  • combining finances
  • purchasing property
  • sharing a home
  • taking care of each other

Every marriage has a box that defines it... Sometimes the people involved discuss what to put in and what to throw away, and some of it in there because the entire culture around them has it that way, and some of it just gets thrown in through habit and repetition.

My marriage box with K is primarily about: lifetime partnership; solidifying the trunk of our poly constellation; an explicit agreement to raise children together as our own; and a financial merger for mutual convenience and security.

What's the name of your box? What's in it?
"I was thorough when I looked for you, and I feel justified lying in your arms." - Chasing Amy
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