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Old 07-18-2014, 12:01 PM
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SoNH
Posts: 1,341

Thanks, everyone. Ry, I hope you got to see the National Zoo while you were in DC... I always find it amazing that you're just driving or walking down a normal city street, when BOOM. There's a rather large zoo sort of plopped in the middle there. Like a zoo TARDIS, bigger on the inside.

Life updates:
Things have been going well with Chops. I had a bit of an off-kilter feeling the other day, when he asked for some time with Noa on his way home (he'd be home late, bla bla). When he got home, he was verrrrrry appreciative, gushy, lovey, all that, and that night was wonderful, but I had this off-feeling... like it was a booty call or something, and I knew that wasn't right.

Wasn't sure why I was feeling odd about it all until I looked at the calendar. Aha. PMS. Nevermind. I'll wait a day and see if it settles out.

Yep. All good now.
Boy, this whole emotion/hormone connection is an enormous pain in the ass. Sheesh.

Been slowly going through mom's personal effects (STILL haven't gotten my estate paperwork... GRRRRR...). Found the letter to my dad from his birth relative (aunt, maybe), that they sent to my grandparents. My dad knew he was adopted, knew his name, but never met his birth family. Evidently, his birth mother didn't want them to make contact until after she passed away, and so, once she did, they wrote the letter.

He was in his 30s, married, with a teenage kid (me) at the time. He didn't know he had a brother (and his brother didn't know about him).

I remember when they met. My dad, mom, and I went to meet that whole side of the family, but he really didn't want anything to do with them. He figured his brother was just as in the dark as he was, and wanted to maintain a relationship with him and his family, but as far as he was concerned, that initial meet and greet with everyone else was it; he was done. All that time being kept in the dark until his mother's death really soured him on any relationship with anyone else.

Found some pictures of him and his brother (and some REALLY unfortunate early 80s pix of myself in among the family shots). It'd be interesting to see if he's got an online presence (my dad passed away in the late '80s, only about 5 years after meeting his brother) and making contact again.

Crazy, wonderful stuff.

The Yahoo mono/poly mailing lists have been completely blowing up with activity lately. Lots of emotions running high. One of the mono folks was looking for resources, after her spouse (badly) tried to open their marriage. Evidently, she ran into the same issues I did with written and online materials: most of the material out there is "rah rah poly!" and "Boo on controlling, patriarchal monogamy!" Many sources are discouraging when it comes to mono/poly relationships, saying they're doomed to failure and it's best to just date within your own species.

Well, great. But when you're IN a relationship with someone who now ID's as poly, NOW what? Thanks for the support.

She got the runaround online, was told that she was too controlling and should just give up her marriage (I have no idea where she went, but UGH - really?!), and was just gunshy of ANY pro-poly venue at this point, fearing that it'd just be more of the same.

Someone else on the poly list took exception to this, saying that poly folks NEED the books and that mono folks don't need books on how to be a mono; that it's established culture and we have our own support system already.

And *I* took exception to this.

When you are a mono in a mono/poly relationship, at least in my experience, you are in this strange no-mans-land. You can't go to your mono friends for support, because "he's not treating you right". I've been told I was being disrespected, I've had friends pretty much disown and vilify Chops, and I have watched a good friendship between Chops and very close friends of mine just dissolve. When I get invited over for functions, it's extremely stressful, and he just won't go at this point. I feel torn between my partner and my friend of over 30 years.

So, I'm not IN the mono world anymore. I'm not in the poly world because, well... I'm not poly. So I stand here, straddling the line with one foot in each world, not belonging in either. Go ahead and tell me how well supported I am, again.

I resist attending real-world poly groups with Chops, because we've all heard LovingRadiance's stories with her group (ugh). Chops dislikes one of the groups he's been to, because it seems to be a soap opera/meat market (he categorized the leader as a "relationship collector"), where the only mono guy there was talked over by his spouse the ENTIRE TIME. He does like one that's more discussion-focused, and I could be convinced to attend a meetup with them sometimes. Still, a group of folks for mono folks in a mono/poly relationship to talk with? Hard to come by. Judgment from the mono side, judgment (potentially) from the poly side. Where to go?

This is why I've carved out a spot here; I haven't been driven away yet ( ), and honestly, I really REALLY enjoy gaining perspective from all of you here. And no, I have NOT received judgment from any of you for being brainwashed (ugh), controlling or whatnot, and I appreciate that (although I've been asked some good questions that make me think a bit... thinking is a good thing, though ).

So I dunno. I expressed my opinion (as I am wont to do), and I think it'll lead to a good discussion. I find it amusing that I seem to post more to the poly list than the mono one, but I think it's because the poly list feels a little bit freer to chew on some food for thought, while the mono list is almost always in support mode. Then again, I post here too, so there ya go.

Chops and I will have a nice Sunday/Monday together (we both took vacation days Monday - yay!), and I think we'll do some exploring down in RI. I'm going to clean up the tripod I found in mom's stuff, and bring the camera to do some shooting. I'm dying to hit the park they've created around the site of the old amusement park (oh, the feels... I loved that place back in the 80s) and take some pictures of the park ruins and the water. Oh, and get clam cakes and chowdah. And a Del's. And if you don't know what a Del's is, you need to get yourself to RI and get yourself one. And then go to Olneyville and get "two all the way with a coffee milk." Just because.


Later, folks. I'm going to clean up my drool now.
Dramatis personae:
Me: 46/F, Divorced with 2 kids, 2 cats, fish, a tarantula, and a 1930s house with many projects.
Chops: 47/M, Partner of 6 years, lives half-time with me, half with Xena.
Spinner: 52/M, Friend I've been on a few dates with. Divorced, Mono, wrapping his head around it all.
Xena: 47/F, Chops' other nesting partner of 6 years
Curls: 50/F, Chops' partner of 1 year

Supporting Characters:
Choplet: Chops' son
DanceGirl: My oldest daughter
Pokégirl: My youngest daughter
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