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Old 04-22-2010, 07:24 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Originally Posted by Mariya View Post

Fast forward to today. I am in a wonderful relationship with a wonderful man who loves me and my child very much and who we feel the same way about. However, he is monogamous. Unfortunately, he is not open to my polyamory at all. ?
This is both great and sad. It's great that you feel he truly loves you and your family and sad that you have to essentially attempt to make a choice between an open relationship and apparent stability and sustainability in him. I have to ask, was he aware that you were polyamorous and understood what that actually meant when you and him began your relationship? It doesn't change the fact that you have a very difficult situation but will give insight into his own attitude.

There is no right or wrong here and there is no fair judgement that he loves you any less if he doesn't want you having sex with other people just like you love him any less because you may want to. There is probably only a difference in criteria for the same type of commitment you both are seeking. I am specifically mentioning sex because, in my experience, that is what the vast majority of mono types see as the difference between platonic and poly relationships. (I can even say this from my own perspective).

Perhaps explaining the benefits to him in opening up the relationship with respect to his own ability to explore new loves might help him accept the idea? Perhaps he is more conditioned mono, than wired.

This is a very tough position to be in. Perhaps, as Redpepper said, give him a a chance to learn, and you may have to use your own leverage to achieve this. The choice is not a one way responsibility. Perhaps in order to be with you he has to choose to be with someone who is open to more relationships or lose you from his life.

Both of you have control. He can try it your way and see what happens, you can try it his way and see what happens. Or you can find some middle ground of understanding that is mutually healthy.

There is no ultimatum in relationships IMO.....only choices that affect the outcome.

Take care and hope you find your way..both of you
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