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Old 04-22-2010, 12:57 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Kansas City Metro
Posts: 2,187

Originally Posted by southerndreams View Post
I'm really really new to this. I met a guy and he and his wife live a polyamorous lifestyle. He was very open about this and I agreed to try. I'm just wondering if there are any pointers anyone can give to help me find my way in this. Do I have a right to demand things from him as his secondary partner? Am I obligated to meet his wife? are certain things off limits? I'm trying to do my research but I know that most of this will be learn as I go. Help?
Well, I guess the first thing to consider is this: have you sat down and asked him any questions? The single most important thing to keep in mind is that communication is the key to most everything.

Are you obligated to meet his wife? I dunno...did you ask? For me, nobody is obligated to meet my wife, though I'm unlikely to get involved with anybody who refuses to meet her. If I give several opportunities for a potential partner to meet my wife and every one gets refused, I figure there's an underlying problem of a sort I don't want to deal with, so I'll pass on the relationship.

Do you have a right to demand things of him? Well...have you asked him about that? I have to wonder why anybody would expect to be able to demand anything of a partner, though I realize there are people who think such is a normal part of a relationship.

Are certain things off limits? Have you asked him?

He's the person you're wanting to build a relationship with. He's the person you have to negotiate all of that with. There's nobody else who can speak to what will work and what won't in that relationship except for the two of you. You either come to an accord and it works, or you can't work it out and you move on without each other--just like any other relationship you've ever had.

Really, poly relationships require the very same things that mono relationships require. The only difference is that you have to keep communicating and negotiating with multiple people, if you have multiple relationships. You also have to consider that a partner may have other relationships that also require time and attention. The basics are still the same, though, whether you have one partner or six.
When speaking of various forms of ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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