It’s a full blown heat wave. It’s been full on 32C for the past week. Working in it is like taking a 8 hour hot yoga class. Grueling. Things are supposed to cool off over the weekend I hope. Just have to get through the next 3 days, but I’ll gut it out. We are framing a three story box, with a two floor timber deck system on the front. It’s a pretty easy structure, no shade unfortunately. We are moving to a 7am start to try and beat some heat. I’m going back to a 40h week, summer is here and I need to enjoy my weekends more. I can work more in the fall/winter.
I received my first email solicitation
which was flattering. A lady I met a few years back was very forward in wanting to have a fling with me this summer. We finally met up and are having a proper date soon. She’s a very talented artist and someone I connect with intellectually, and after meeting, I’d say physically too. I’ll call her Nin. I talked to Chiquita and Raven about it and everything’s cool. Funny how I still got flinichy at speaking my truth, but there are no more emotional shitstorms in my life. Ever. This is the freedom I wanted, needed. To live my truth and independence. I so much miss the pull of partnership sometimes, but am glad to be by myself, to learn, grow, and heal. I’ve been watching that anxiety in me, feeling it, the need to define myself by the love I keep. It has become less intense over time, but is still there. I’m trying to transform it into something else from what it was. My relationship pattern was so messed up for so many years. Being alone I am beginning to unravel that, and change. Cinder and I use to joke that I was like an oil tanker, took forever to change course. But I get there. I guess ultimately my decision to call it was the only way I could change, among other things. I so hated that pressure to change, it ate at me inside.
Chiquita and I continue unabated, our connection getting more varied and adventurous. I love how sex can become richer as the connection lengthens over time. We’re trying new things, some s/m bondage and making porn, which we both enjoy, and are going to explore some risky/public sex. She’s still on a lady hunt for a more regular GF. It’s so great to see her happy and growing into herself. She is so free of expectation. It’s pretty great.
Haven’t connected as much with Raven lately, we text a bit and talk sometimes. I had to postpone a visit because of work commitments, but still going to make a trip, it will be good for me to get away for a longish weekend soon. Looking forward to meeting her steady guy James, He sounds like a solid dude and I know Raven and him have had a deepening of their connection. After she came out to see me, he upped his game in several area
good for them! Another poly benefit of having another paramour, can keep people honest and putting their best effort forward
Had an interesting re-connect with Granny. She got at me and we started chatting again more regularly, and then a lot when she went on Vaycay. Things got to the point to where we were going to have to have the talk about everything and everyone involved if she was interested, but then on her way back told me she’s going to give it another go with her friend who is manic. So we remain firmly in the friends camp, she does know I see multiple people, so we got that far. I got the feeling she was playing me off this guy a bit, to force a bit of stress in there. Looks like he stepped up, hope it works out for them, they seem to have something between them.
Talked to Mz Black again, she’s firmly in the mono camp. Seeing an altogether great guy, although ultimately he can’t give her what she wants (kidlets), but they are in the bloom of passion. He’s poly, although not activated right now, so I offer my observations and experiences when asked for them. She’s such a great gal, but it looks as we also will remain firmly friends. Which is awesome.
On the down side of things I got some more hate mail from my internet stalker, Rebbeca. Or is it Rebecca? Her cutting words and inside information led me to believe it could be someone else, or maybe that’s just the vestiges of paranoia coming up from the depths. Whoever it is truly believes in what they are saying, and damit if they’re not going to spew their venom all over me and my character. I acknowledge my surprise again and told them what they could do with said opinion. I was hurt by it for a moment, because like any human I have feelings, and hateful words hurt. It got me thinking though, about Cinder, and our story. Can it really end like this? If it does it will be the biggest shame of my life. After going through a patch of feeling love for her deep within me, I am trying to embrace a compassionate mindset. Acceptance has come as well, and I am still stocktaking. It’s been pretty humbling looking at some of the mistakes I made, and how we hurt each other. It is the biggest regret of my life. She has been the biggest love of my life.
I believe in myself, in my truth. I know I can see many sides of any issue. I know my strengths and weaknesses. My faults. I want to fall in love with myself again. Not in a narcissistic way, more nurturing and accepting. I truly want to find a better way of being, and with that, if I am lucky enough, the good people to share it with. In some ways I already have.