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Old 07-10-2014, 02:44 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Montgomery, AL
Posts: 303

As it turns out, her decision not to talk to the guy has stuck. He keeps texting her every so often, but she keeps politely excusing herself from seeing him. That's what she's told me. And she hasn't gone out to see him so that's kind of the end of vignette.

In another turn of events, a guy that Audrey struck up a friendship with 4 or 5 months ago is coming to see her. He'll be in Atlanta for a few months and wants to make the 3 hour drive over for a weekend. She asked where he'd be staying and he apparently asked/assumed that he could stay with her when he came to town. She told me awhile back she explained the situation we least relationship-wise. I don't think she explained the extent of our situation though, if he assumed he was going to stay with her.

Honestly, that's fine by me. It's important to her to present herself as independent and autonomous when she makes new friends or goes on dates. I don't want her to feel bound or subservient. One of the many things that has always attracted me to Audrey has been her fierce independence and unique character. Remove that...and she's an entirely different person.

When she brought all this up to me, I'm not sure if she asked or if I, trying to be nice, offered to let him stay at my house. I do remember that I did spend the better part of a day thinking through my position on the matter. On one hand, I didn't want to be controlling or jealous. On the other hand it's not my job to help her suitors advance their position. (Even saying it like that makes it all sound like rivalry, which I know, if I'm applying polyamorism 100% logically, is erroneous thinking. Other lovers aren't competitors.)

So when we discussed it again I told her that I was fine with him coming to see her and them spending time together...that's her life and her choices, but I would feel uncomfortable with him staying here if they were going to get romantic. I reiterated that I wasn't trying to stop it from happening, just not going to enable it and exist amidst it. She listened and after I'd said it, it really felt like a good boundary, though enabling and absorbing would theoretically be the more totally loving thing to's not something I could handle.

She told me that he is just a friend and if he tried to do anything other than be a friend that she'd set him straight. To which I asked "What if your feelings change by surprise? Friendship changes to something more?" She assured me that this would not happen. In fact, despite the fact that I was willing to kind of remove myself from her life for the weekend, she told me she didn't want anything to change between us while he was here. It wasn't a matter of them going out to do stuff, but all of us going out to do stuff.

A bit later I reiterated that I would be fine with giving them time alone, at which point she got a little ruffled because she said I was really making their situation into more than it was. I said I believed her but was being too overly nice about things I suppose. We're both on the same page. I'm treating this dude like any other friend of hers and not changing my m.o. one bit. As it turns out, her bff is coming in this weekend from out of town so I guess we'll all just hang out as a group and have fun.

Should be interesting
Me - male, 42, poly, straight, in a serious relationship with Audrey, also casually dating.

Audrey - female, 20, poly, pansexual, also casually dating.
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