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Old 04-20-2010, 10:12 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,639

That's beautiful Vandalin! thank you for sharing that.

Thanks for all the sharing so far.

Just so you know, we aren't planning any kind of ceremony but this comes up over and over again when we talk about Mono's wife. It came up first of all about a year ago when he told me that if I were single he would ask me to marry him.... I was half elated and ready to say yes and half feeling disrespected and not valued enough....

I guess it is high time to air it out as we just seem to go around in circles.

It starts with my wondering when Mono plans to get a divorce. I don't believe that people fully heal from the break up of marriages until they are officially divorced. I feel uncomfortable with the fact that it hasn't been brought up between him and his wife and to me she will always be his wife until there are signatures on the divorce papers. I struggle with that bond and see it as a continued commitment beyond health care benefits and a child support payment.

If he were to die she would be the first person they call, she would be the one who has to deal with his estate, she would be the one who would be seen as his primary, she would be the one.... full stop, I can't explain it...

I would be (and am to most people in his life) the one who is the new fling, the unimportant girlfriend, the one that nursed his heart in the wake of their break up. If that is how he feels about me then fine, I just want to know. I want to know what my position is. To me, as long as he is still married then I am not a vital and valid part of his life. I am just what all his friends and family see me as... I am just the poly girlfriend that he gets to drag along until he is ready to find a mono woman to marry.... then it will be time to divorce, because that is a good enough reason to them and to Mono (in my eyes).

Part of the problem is that she doesn't talk to him. We had some head way last month when I went out to get his stuff from his house; excuse me, her house as he signed everything over to her... and I met her. We shared a strained moment but it felt good to finally meet her and we went away feeling like he might be able to talk freely about his emotions with her as a result... especially about his estranged daughter who has not spoken to him since he left.

Mono sent a heart felt email afterwards asking if it was okay to tell her how he feels and asking her how she feels and got no response. It went from her sending a few lines every now and then of small talk when prompted by Mono, to nothing.

Okay, so, I get this was the woman he loved, I get that she has been hurt, I get that they had their own way of dealing with things, I get that he feels responsible for the ending of their relationship, I get that he still feels guilty, but it's been 18 months now. I worry that this is going to become entrenched behavior. With no end in sight. When will there be a push to move on from it all???? when?! I have seen nothing in the future and have seen little so far.

So last night I had a new understanding of this all. It turns out that when Mono's daughter turns 19 his support of her will be over financially (legally). They gain some benefit in staying married until then. Will that be the time to divorce? two years from now?

I feel better about the possibility of an end date. At least now I understand the wait a bit better. I can be patient with all that until then....

I know what some might think. "you are already married, what do you need to be married again for and to another additional person?!" To that I have no answer other than it feels right... I haven't talked to Nerdist about any of this, but to me, if someone is going to be, and already is a part of my family in such a huge way as Mono is then I have a need to celebrate that and formally commit to them in every way. For whatever reason Mono sees that as marriage in a traditional Catholic way, as he has been raised. We are not virgins. There is no way that would be so anyway...

I can wait... I can wait until forever, but at some point without that kind of public commitment of my intentions I know about myself enough that I will become complacent. My marriage to Nerdist has kept me going through tough times together. It has been a symbol to me and to those who came to the ceremony that we are committed until such time as we see no mutual path together of any kind. It was our own ceremony for us, not for those who were there, they witnessed what we had created together and what we promised to up hold in the future.

When I got married it was in a camp ground by the ocean. We had signed official documents a few months earlier and under the guise of the law had been married already. For us the ceremony was about recognizing our link to everything in nature and the universe. No legal document could recognize our love. We are two souls that have found each other and are part of everything that is love in the universe. Everything that binds us together. We were already non-monogamous, we met that way. We included that in what we said and all the other idiosyncrasies that made us unique.. there was no reason to advertise it or make it known... we just did our thing and those who came were there to support us for who we are because they loved us... If they didn't agree then they didn't come or if we thought they would come and be disruptive to the purpose we didn't invite them.

Part of this is that Mono (and correct me if I am wrong my love) doesn't think that his family will approve. He also thinks that this is in some way taking away from the marriage he had with his wife. He is so very mono after all. One cannot have more than one ceremony in a life time or it will take away from the other. There has been no thought that this is different... one can never have that first marriage again. It's just not possible when we know so much about what marriage is really about through living it. Every second marriage is different if you ask me. mono or not.

Really this is all mute at the moment as it isn't going to happen as far as I am concerned until he gets a divorce. He talks about a private ceremony in the woods with just him and I, Nerdist and my boy, but that isn't going to happen until I can see that he is ready, willing and understands what he is doing and what it means to me. I won't even engage in the topic until he is divorced because to me marriage
9in terms of commitment) is sacred and it really would take away from what they had if it were any other way....

end of story... off to other things.
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