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Old 07-03-2014, 07:53 PM
icesong icesong is online now
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 555
Default I guess it really is dead, Jim...

I always thought love died in a torrent of angry words, or in an act of massive betrayal, or perhaps in years of contempt and neglect. I'm finally coming to accept that that isn't the case.

HipsterBoy and I had lunch today - exchanged a few stray possessions from those crazy months, walked around downtown, (and in an oddly ironic twist) ended up at one of the places we visited the first night we met. And if it's at least not *too* awkward between us, well, the fire is still gone. Or so carefully banked it might as well be. And maybe someday I'll test those waters a bit more - I could certainly argue the hug that lasted a few seconds longer than "just friends" as evidence that it's a possibility. But for now it really does feel more like "friends with history" than even "it's complicated".

And I'm melancholy about this - but it's more that I want that sort of relationship in my life than that I want _him_. There are SO VERY MANY things about that relationship that were fucked up and/or bad for me. Most of them weren't even really about him, per se, though some were. Just as many were about me, and some were just about particular patterns of interaction that got established early. (lesson learned!). I don't know, even if I was to eventually push to get us back to something else, that any of the things that were bad would go away. So why would I want _that_ back in my life?

Oh, right, the crazy sex. Hmm. Yes. That. Ah well, there are more people in the world, I'm sure I'll find it again someday...
36/bi/F, married to TheKnight (together 21 years)
Partnered with AnotherArtist (3 years)

Other Dramatis Personae are detailed in my blog.
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