Originally Posted by redpepper
what is it that worries you?
I'm worried about disapointing and hurting you through my inability to understand things.
This came up last night after discussing my inability to understand that not obtaining an official divorce from my ex after two years was holding me back from committing to Redpepper.
Ultimately I continue to have a hard time comprehending a ceremony recognizing an intimately open relationship. Traditional monogamous marriages are simple in the core of the vows. I am giving myself to you; you are giving yourself to me. It's not about possession, but about willingly offering yourself to someone with intimate physical exclusivity as one of the critically understood and accepted gifts to exchange.
So when I see people having hand fasting ceremonies or marriages with the idea of being open to more partners I can't understand the true nature of the message they are sending to those in attendance or the weight of the words they speak. I essentially see the ceremony as non binding and can't seam to get over my sense that there is no great proclamation being said that adds to the simple fact that I am already committed and to her and her family regardless of our dynamic.
It actually makes more sense to me to have a ceremony recognizing our commitment as a family as opposed to a commitment as couple.
We have friends who are renewing their vows and have invited us to the ceremony this summer. I'm even having problems with that because their relationship is open and again I don't grasp what they are saying to each other and us. I already know they love each other.
Obviously a lot of this struggle is due to traditional conditioning and less related to the fact that I am monogamously wired. I see partner unions as very sacred but I also see them as very traditional which undoubtedly is confusing my view of alternate arrangements.
I'm not looking for another traditional marriage but I am a natural coupler in that, if I fall in love, I give myself to that person. I feel as though I have already given myself to Redpepper..mind, body and soul. If we were both single and mono, I have no doubt that I would have proposed to Redpepper months ago.
I also feel that as far as monogamous marriage partners go, my ex wife was the one I was supposed to share that with. That belongs to her. That does not make my commitment to Redpepper less, it makes it completely unique and separate from that other world.
Because I felt I had disappointed Redpepper during our conversation last night, this affected my sense of being worthy of her affection. I actually felt undeserving to see her naked this morning before we left my place...let's hope I never really screw up bad.
I just want her to be happy and know that I am committed to her.