Confronted Hubby about the "phoning it in" comment. He claims he thought "phoning it in" meant having to remind yourself to do it, and he has to remind himself to say "I love you" out loud because it's so obvious to him that he loves me, that he can't quite understand why I need to hear it.
I told him sometimes it's just nice to hear.
Yesterday was my birthday. I started the day not so great, but then I called Guy and we talked for about an hour and a half. I told him I was still feeling insecure about his date Saturday, and he reassured me that I'm the only one he wants a *relationship* with. This woman, and anyone else he hooks up with, is just a fuck buddy, because that's all he wants with anyone else. We're talking about me possibly going to visit him again in August, if I can figure out how to come up with the plane fare.
Last night, Hubby took me for a boat ride across the harbor to a restaurant he took me to once last year. The ride itself was about an hour each way. For the first time in a while, especially since all that stuff happened last week, I felt very close to and safe with Hubby. There was some snuggling and kissing (he was driving the boat, but it's a small boat, so he only needed one free hand), and some conversation that had nothing to do with issues. It just was very nice, and a good way to spend the birthday... until we got home and he got snippy with me because I said I still wasn't having sex with him.
I talked to him about that today. I told him I felt like he was angry with me for turning him down and like he kept pushing even after I said no, even though he claims to understand why. We got into an argument about it, but sorted things through for the most part. I told him I can't explain what PTSD is like to someone who doesn't have it, but that right now I feel like there's a little girl in my head screaming at the top of her lungs "Don't touch, don't touch, don't touch!"
We talked more after I got home from picking up my kid from her job. I told Hubby I don't intend to hammer at him about things he's said to me in the past, but that as I work through all this, I may need to bring those things up and ask him to clarify, and if I do that I need him to just explain why he said them and apologize if he feels it's warranted, and NOT say things like "Sorry I fucked up your life." He said he would try.
I also told him that that "little girl" in my head is the "broken" (I hate that term) part of me that was victimized, sexually and emotionally, when I was very young. Because of all the triggers last week, as far as sex goes I've regressed to that point, which is something I was far past, and now I need to let that little girl grow up again, and I need to be gentle and patient and need Hubby to be as well. I think he understood... we'll see.
Me: 45, cis-het female, poly
Hubby: my husband, 42, monogamous
My daughters: Alt (age 20) and Country (age 17)
Guy: ex-boyfriend, occasional confidant