New to polyamory; root of a V relationship
I'm happy to have found this forum. First a little about me: I am married to an absolutely amazing man and have 3 children from this primary relationship. If you had asked me 6 months ago, I would have said that I would *never* be unfaithful to my husband and thought being in love with more than one person was not possible. Oh how long ago that seems!
I met my boyfriend R under some very stressful, even oppressive and probably unlikely circumstances. I was drawn to him right away. He was there for me in a way that my husband could not be. We began a sexual relationship shortly thereafter. My husband found out within a couple of weeks and though devastated, was accepting of R and I remaining friends. Through individual and group counseling, and the irony of his best friend entering a polyamorous relationship with his boyfriend, my husband consented to R and I resuming our intimate relationship. I did not pressure him for this, only admitted that it would be my preference to be with both of them and that I still love R.
He initially was somewhat excited about finding someone else to date who didn't have the abuse history that I have (which has understandably created some major challenges for both of us), but has been striking out. Looking back, he doesn't have much dating experience and it was me who pursued him. He joined a poly forum (and maybe even this one, I'm not sure) and is really trying to work this out. Otherwise, he doesn't really know how to meet someone.
Neither he nor my boyfriend are comfortable getting together at this point. My boyfriend may never be as he social anxiety to begin with. Another V poly group told my dh that because they don't want to hang out, we don't qualify as a poly relationship. I tried to reassure him that we get to define our comfort zones and that we don't know what the future holds.
Admittedly, I feel selfish. I have been in love with my husband for 18 years--he means the world to me. But so does R. He understands me in a way that A never can and he's an amazing man. A is feeling very discouraged at this point and I'm afraid that he will pull the plug on my relationship with R.
I guess I'm just looking for some guidance and recommendations. I frequently reassure A how much I love him and he totally gets how different people have different things to offer, but he's understandably confused.
What do people think about what I've said about us defining for ourselves? Please be gentle--this has been a difficult time for all of us.