I don't even know how I'm feeling today.
I've still been struggling with the stuff I've talked about in my last few posts. I can't seem to move past it or work through it.
Yesterday, Guy texted me and told me he had a date with someone he'd met on OKCupid. I was happy for him. I'm the one who told him to join OKC, because I don't want him to be alone and lonely, and I can't get to see him. But I was also scared, because now he has the chance to be with someone who's actually in his geographic area.
He and I talked it out before he left to meet her. I made it clear that I was genuinely happy for him, and not jealous, but more envious that he's able to meet people on OKC and AdultFriendFinder, whereas when I try, people don't answer my messages; and the messages I get are predominantly either just "Hi," which I don't answer because there's nothing to go on, or along the lines of what a horny bitch I must be to "play around" on my husband. And envious that the women he was meeting is able to see him and be with him. (I differentiate between jealousy and envy, as I think I've said here before; jealousy means wanting to take something *away* from someone else so you can have it, whereas envy means you wish you also had something someone has, but don't want them to *not* have it.)
After I talked to Guy, I went to see Hubby at work, partly because I got a little upset when Guy texted me about the date and partly because I really needed to pour a few things out. No one else was in the office, so we could talk as long as he was paying attention to the phones and radios. I told him I needed him to understand exactly how deeply he's hurt me, cumulatively over the past five years of all the things he's said that have sounded like condemnations of me and my sexual interests rather than him just saying *he* wasn't interested.
Hubby told me he didn't know what I wanted him to say. I said every single time I've tried to talk to him about how his condemnations make me feel, he responds sarcastically and defensively. I told him I either needed to hear him acknowledge what he's done that has hurt me, and how deeply it's hurt me, and apologize without sounding like he's blaming me for feeling hurt; or I needed him to admit he isn't capable of doing that.
He acknowledged and apologized, and said he wished he'd been man enough to do so without me having to prompt him. And he said again that he understands that right now, part of me is curled up into a little ball and that part needs time to heal and process, and not having sex is the way I feel like I need to do that. But today, he barely spoke to me before he left for work.
I don't think Hubby is ever going to completely accept how much he has contributed to the damage that's been done to me over my life. I don't know whether he's going to accept me being celibate for however long that lasts, or whether he's going to look for someone else to fuck. I don't know whether he's going to stay with me if I don't "fix" myself, and after all the pain he's caused me, I don't know whether I want him to.
Meanwhile, Guy told me this morning that he slept with the woman he had the date with last night, and while I am happy for *him*, I'm sad and scared for *me* because since she's near him and is currently open to having sex, he might decide to dump me in favor of her. I expressed that to him, and he said he has no intention of ever dumping me for anyone, because he's in love with me and anyone else is just someone to have fun with. I want to believe him, but all the pain and depression and shit in my head isn't letting me right now.
Guy told me when he and I were talking yesterday that he hopes I'll be able to recognize that *sex* isn't what hurt me, Hubby and the 18-year-old are. Right now, I don't see it that way. Yes, sex in general isn't a bad thing. Or a good one. It's a tool, and whether it's good or bad is in how it's used. For me, it's been bad. People have used it to hurt me, or have hurt me because of it, and I want to stay as far away from it as I can. If I'm not doing anything sexual or owning anything sex-related, no one can use those things against me. I'm safe.
Tomorrow's my birthday. It's going to fucking suck. Then again, in 44 birthdays, I can only think of one that *hasn't* sucked, so this is nothing new.
Me: 44, cis-het female, poly
Hubby: my husband, 42, monogamous
S2: my "attachment", male, 44, undetermined
Best Friend: male, 38, platonic; the one who keeps me sane through all this!
My daughters: Alt (age 19) and Country (age 16)
S2's sons: Spikes (age 9) and Beads (age 6)
Last edited by KC43; 06-29-2014 at 05:52 PM.