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Old 06-27-2014, 02:21 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 1,752

Some of the anger has dissipated. Which is good. I don't like feeling angry, especially when it's due to triggers, because the triggers and their sources fuel the anger to a pretty scary point. I've never hurt anyone else when I've reached that point, but I'm always afraid I will, so I try to avoid getting there.

Hubby actually did follow through on his promise to talk with me. He's been staying very late at work (like, his shift ends at 9 or 10 p.m. and sometimes he's stayed there until 5 a.m.), because he's a gamer and his home computer is no longer supporting the games; it keeps crashing. So he's been staying at work to use one of the computers there. His father owns the place so doesn't have an issue with Hubby being there whenever (the hierarchy of the business is Hubby's father, Hubby's uncle, Hubby, all the other guys, and then me at the bottom of the pecking order doing the paperwork).

I don't necessarily like Hubby being out of the house so much, since we barely see each other during the summer as it is. His summer schedule is usually a shift from 1-9 or 2-10 p.m., but because of the nature of the business (it's essentially road service, but provided on the water by and for boats), sometimes he has to work later if a customer needs assistance, or he'll get called out in the middle of the night, or they'll have to salvage a boat that's gone aground or something and he's gone for hours. When he's home, he usually sleeps until about half an hour before he has to leave for work. So not much opportunity to interact, and with him staying later at the shop, there's even less.

On the other hand, with him gone so much right now, as I said in my previous post, not having sex isn't really an issue because there isn't time for us to have it anyway. Plus he and my 15-year-old don't get along very well, so it's probably good for them to have some space from each other.

But anyway... He got home about 3:30 a.m., and I was awake when he came into the bedroom. He wanted to cuddle, which was fine with me, and I asked if I could talk to him before he fell asleep. Better choice than waiting for him to wake up; his brain usually lags a couple hours behind his body in the "awake" thing.

When I told him what I expressed in the last paragraph of my previous post here, he immediately apologized for hurting me. Which caught me off-guard. His usual thing is to fix problems that can be fixed, as long as that doesn't involve him taking responsibility or needing to apologize for the problem. So him actually saying, "I'm sorry I've hurt you so much" in a sincere tone of voice was huge.

I told him I don't know how long this is going to last. That right now, I don't want to want sex, so I don't really have motivation to change my mindset. And that I feel like shutting down sexually is the most logical course of action to protect myself. I also reminded him that he has other options if he wants to have sex with someone, as long as he stays in the boundaries of our open marriage agreements.

He told me finding another woman to have sex with would be "too much trouble" (and that at least internet porn exists), and that as long as I'm still willing and able to be physically affectionate with him in nonsexual ways, he's okay with whatever I need to do to feel safe. Not that he's *happy* about it, but before he met me he went without having sex with anyone else for about four years, so it isn't like he's incapable of diverting his sex drive into other things. He's more unhappy about the current situation because *I* am unhappy and hurt than for his own sake.

Guy says he hopes I'm able to get past this, for my own sake; we don't see each other generally, and because of that, sex isn't a possibility anyway and he has other resources if he chooses to have sex with someone. Even on the rare occasions when we are able to see each other, he's content to just hold me and kiss; every time we've been together, it's always been my choice whether to have sex or not. (Obviously he gets a vote too, but his take on it seems to be that he's okay with whatever I'm okay with.)

So I guess right now, it's a wait and see thing. Wait and see if I'm able to work through this. (Guy said, "I hope one day you'll stop having those voices from your past in your head telling you you're bad and wrong"; I pointed out that those voices aren't the only problem now, given what's happened and what Hubby said to me over the past week.) Wait and see if I find any motivation to change my thinking. (My counselor said, "Sex is natural, and people need it to feel connected to one another." I said, "What about people who are asexual?" She didn't have an answer for that...) Wait and see if Hubby and Guy actually stick with me even if I do end up being celibate for the long term.
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