Monday morning. I could sure use a long weekend right about now. Actually, I could use a couple of weeks off, rest up, let things settle. Instead I have made a compromise to only work 3 out of 4 Saturdays in any given month. My Partner at work is taking a couple of weeks off this month, so Iíll be the big dog on site for that time. I have to step up. Summer is officially here so there will be swim breaks in the lake for those hot days Framing under the sun.
I have been feeling out of sorts for the last couple of weeks, and couldnít put my finger on what was bothering me. This feeling has evolved and changed, started off as irritation, then frustration, then ran the gamut of sadness, loss, longing and then a mini depression. Finally after a convo with a good friend, and some crazy dreams the root of it came to me. Iím still in love with Cinder.
It doesnít really surprise me. After spending so much time together and the life we made together that there would be such deep seeded connections. She use to tell me my problem was I couldnít commit to her, but the reality is that I was all in, and I still am apparently. As much as my intellect and the reality of what has happened smack me in the face daily, I still wake in a cold sweat in the middle of the night, my heart screaming her name, tears streaming down my face. Fuck.
I wonder how much of it is real. I question myself, my heart. I replay events, looking for the smoking gun. I re-evaluate the last 7 years of my life to see the alternate dimensions in which we can be different people, where we could have worked it out and not have assured our mutual destruction. I am not looking to undo what is done, because it has played out how it had to. It couldnít have gone any other way, based on who we actually are, and I do find comfort in that thought. I know it is still early days in my recovery from all this, and in a yearsí time things will look and feel much differently, so Iíll just sit with these feelings and do what I have to do to heal from a broken heart.
I do love Raven and Chiquita, Iím just not ďinĒ love with them. Itís different when you commit your life to someone in such a meaningful way. Itís made me step back and re-evaluate how I interact with women, how I have sought my self-worth in my ability to love and be loved by others. I want to look at my approval seeking and see what is there. I have separated sex from the equation. Just because I am fucking someone doesnít mean I am going to spend the rest of my life with them. Itís brought up a whole slew of repressed emotions from my childhood of not feeling loved enough. Pretty interesting times, actually. I have been having lots of dreams about my Dad too, and just last night my first wife. Maybe my subconscious is giving me the hints I need to move forward.
Interesting times to say the least. Have a great week xo