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Old 06-19-2014, 07:41 PM
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SlowPoly SlowPoly is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Florida
Posts: 173

Originally Posted by Cuppycake View Post
I'm curious how things like child custody and/or support were determined and how you managed that.
We wrote up a plan that gave us equally shared custody (with language about our mutual commitment to generosity about schedule changes, and our expectation that we would spend time together with the kids as well. The support agreement complied with the state requirements for support, and we convinced the judge that we were completely in accord on it. Through all of this we did consult knowledgeable experts, and an attorney helped us with the paperwork and judicial process.

The fact that the state would get an arbitrary say in what happened to our kids (and could literally require anything of us, in the interest of best serving their needs) was the hardest thing to swallow in this whole affair. But ultimately we trusted that we would be seen as fit and prepared co-parents, and we were. We obviously did not mention anything about our sex lives or lifestyle philosophies.

Originally Posted by Cuppycake View Post
Also, who claims the kids on their taxes?
Our agreement provides for that, and if we agree, we can stray from that it if it makes sense. The IRS has rules to allow for either parent to claim dependents, as best benefits the entire family financially. That's definitely not the hardest part.

Originally Posted by Cuppycake View Post
I'd also be concerned about marital property and how that is split. Who "legally" owns your house, vehicles, financial accounts, etc?
The divorce decree includes a property settlement agreement, in which we split our assets in a way that was fair to us. We each got the vehicle we drive, the clothes we wear, the shit we generally have in our own possession. We each kept the retirement accounts that were already in our own names. That was actually an interesting thing to value apportion. It seemed fairest that retirement savings (and earnings on those savings) from before we committed to each other should go to the person who had accumulated them. Then anything saved by either of us (and earnings on those savings) since we'd been together should be split down the middle, since we'd both been supporting the family, even when one was not working outside the home. It turned out that our calculated shares of the overall retirement pot were so close to what we had in our own names already that it wasn't worth splitting anything or changing names. Non-retirement accounts and debts we split equally. The house was not an issue, but I'm sure it would be for other couples, and how to decide how to own it would certainly be on a case by case basis.

Originally Posted by Cuppycake View Post
And if you were to split up permanently how could you both be reasonably assured of an equitable split of the assets you have built together
We actually did transfer everything of significant value from joint ownership to our own names (mine having changed back to my birth name in the same decree), and we agreed (before the judge) that it was an equitable split. Chances are one of us could still screw the other over some minor assets (a computer? the old vehicle we didn't bother re-titling?) or play shenanigans with the account we both pay into for household and kids' expenses, but that's limited by how much is in there at one time.

Honestly, we both did a damn good job of partner selection way back when, so even if we do become incompatible in every way down the road, we know we won't screw each other. I never have understood how someone could see a new partner through a divorce, watch them get nasty and irrational in that process, perhaps even encourage it, and then marry that person. My typical advice to people getting married is, "Only marry someone you'd want to divorce." We definitely did that. But I wouldn't do it all over again.

SlowPoly vee hinge living between two homes

Mitch life partner co-parent former LDR
Woof life partner co-parent former spouse
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