Originally Posted by nejthefroggie
Thanks so much for your quick reply! I found it to be very insightful and helpful.
I think that in terms of the two roles you described, I am straddling the fence between Column A and Column B. I respect their relationship and don't want to do anything to antagonize it. I also would like to meet the girlfriend, both because she simply sounds like a nice girl and I am curious, and the fact that she doesn't even know that I exist makes me a bit anxious. I would feel better knowing from the source that what me and the guy have is not crossing any boundaries of their relationship. I would also be interested in seeing if meeting me might help to allay some of her fears and reservations re: polyamory. What I know about their agreement is not much: I know that it is a 'tell, if asked' situation where she does not even know if or when he is having sex with others unless she specifically asks about it. I also know that her reluctance to accept the possibility of outside romantic partners is due to a fear of 'being replaced'. This being said, I don't want to actively try to persuade her, but simply be there and be open and friendly to try to show that I am not a threat; I cannot make anyone's mind up for them and to try to do so may do more harm than good, is my thought.
DADT policies are discussed a lot on other forums and groups. I should actually say hotly debated. The consensus here seems to be full disclosure of the relationship. So at least all parties know someone somewhere is involved. Details can be left out, which can be DADT but the heart of the relationships is know.
Also, what you said about wondering when the line is crossed between 'friends' and 'lovers' is something I've been wondering about myself. Him and I are already pursuing an unconventional relationship style, so I'm wondering if just saying 'I want a romantic relationship' in general terms might not make sense in this case, and that I should think through what, specifically I want from the relationship, whether or not I am getting those things already, and if I can be happy without those things which I am not getting. Do you think I'm on the right track?
I wish I could answer that, I didn't know what had happened until I got slapped in the face with the reality of loving someone else, and not just having her in bed or my life as a lover anymore.
You are kind of asking us questions about your happiness that you should be asking yourself.
1 - first, since you can't get confirmation, do you trust this guy is telling the truth about DADT. Maybe this is something as simple as a confirmation email to the gf?
2 - are you comfortable, being poly, and having sex with someone who is in a DADT relationship.
If something isn't making you happy, you have every right to ask for it and work on a compromise. If no compromise is available than you need to decide how important it is for you
I won't say what you are doing is wrong, I am open and poly...I have an open relationship and believe I can love other people at the same time, but don't believe I will love everyone I become involved with.
Originally Posted by suadade
All that aside, I have a question for you. Is the relationship, as it currently exists, meeting your needs? Does it seem to be meeting the needs of the others involved? It might be that the current, ambiguous situation is viable, and that's a possibility that's at least worth contemplating a moment. Getting into polyamory for me has been about giving up the binaries and labels in thinking about people: gay/bi/straight, dating/friends, primary/secondary/tertiary. Relationship styles that are new (for me) are part of the fun