My mother has known that Hubby and I have an open marriage pretty much since we opened it. She hasn't been completely in favor of it, but has tried (or at least pretended to try) to understand and to accept it as being between Hubby and me.
When I told her that Guy had reached a place in my life where he was no longer just a friend with benefits, she didn't quite get it, but claimed to try to understand.
And yet I had that conversation with her a couple weeks ago in which she insisted that I shouldn't put Guy on the same level as Hubby because Hubby's feelings might be hurt, despite my having said numerous times that Hubby was not only okay with but happy about Guy being part of our lives. (And Hubby has made it very clear that Guy is part of *our* lives, not just *my* life.) Even when I told her what Hubby said in response to her concern, she still didn't get it.
Today I told her that for my birthday, I'm asking everyone who would ordinarily buy me a gift to give me the money they would spend instead so I can take another trip to visit Guy in August, when my younger kid will be with her father, my older kid will be in school full time and working almost full time, and Hubby will be working 60 or more hours per week and sleeping odd schedules (his job is year-round, but July and August are exponentially busier than the rest of the year, and he works a different shift during the summer).
She said, "You probably shouldn't do that. You were just out there."
I said, "So? I was there in April. This will be August. Four months, and after that I won't have a chance to see Guy until sometime next year because of younger kiddo's school and activities, holidays, and the fact that Guy is with his kids from December through February."
She said, "But why does that matter?"
I tried... AGAIN... to get through her head that Guy is not just a friend, or even just a friend with benefits. That he and I have a committed relationship. That we love each other the same way Hubby and I love each other, and that Hubby is completely happy about it. And that therefore, I want to see Guy as much as possible, which isn't really very much to begin with.
This time, she at least admitted she didn't understand and was having trouble accepting it. I said, "But Dad's three friends when I was younger were in a committed triad, and you didn't have a problem with that." (My dad's male best friend from high school had a committed relationship with two other men for about 20 years, until Dad's friend passed away.)
She said, "None of them were my daughter."
I thought of a few really snarky, nasty, bitchy responses, but settled on saying, "Look at it this way. Your daughter doesn't only have *one* man who loves her completely and would do anything to take care of her. She has two. So isn't that a good thing?" I also told her I understood she's worried about me, doesn't want Hubby to feel hurt, and is worried about my kids, though she seemed to feel a little better when I said that while my younger kid hasn't been told the situation, the older one has and says she considers Guy her second stepfather.
She still doesn't get it, and she still doesn't think I should visit Guy again "so soon" even though otherwise I would just be sitting here watching TV reruns all alone because of younger kid being gone and older kid and Hubby's schedules. But she did say she would send me money for my birthday to help with the airfare...
Me: 44, cis-het female, poly
Hubby: my husband, 42, monogamous
S2: my "attachment", male, 44, undetermined
My daughters: Alt (age 19) and Country (age 16)
S2's sons: Spikes (age 9) and Beads (age 6)
Brick: male, 44, honorary "brother"