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Old 06-15-2014, 04:25 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 14,930

Hi WhiteTulips,

Sorry you're stuck in such a crappy dilemma.

I hate to bandy about the D word, but ... divorce?

In particular, divorce *before* any children arrive on the scene.

The guy strung you along, subjecting you (by surprise degrees) to his heavy-handed training course of turning you into a properly monogamous wife. You "failed the course," he's pissed, and he wants to start you on a new training course (the "Unicorn Training Course").

Re (from OP):
"I have considered forcing the issue (I'm going on a date tonight, how you respond is your choice) but I'm not sure if it's that dire yet. He said before that he would never leave me because of my polyness, but I know he'd be hurt."
That's emotional blackmail. "You'll be guilty of hurting me if you do what you want to do, even though you told me from the beginning it was what you wanted -- yea even required." Worse yet, "You'll rob me of my happiness if you don't let me possess and control you." I guess that's what he's always wanted from the beginning (that was necessary to his happiness).

"I am afraid of compromising with him, that if I start out by doing what he's okay with then it will completely shut the door for us to reexamine this later and he will accuse me of trying to move the goalposts."
Accuse you?? This would be coming from the guy who's the master of moving goalposts.

Re (from bookbug):
"At the worst, he lied to you, and at the least he lied to himself about his ability to deal with poly."
Either way, the lies issued from him, belong to him, and are his responsibility. If I hit a pedestrian in my car, I don't get off the hook just because it was an accident. Responsible people take responsibility for their own goof-ups, regardless of whether they intended to goof up.

Re (from LoveBunny):
"I'd give him one more warning, as in 'Honey, in five months I am going to start looking for a man to date. Do your inner work, and let's work out some guidelines, so you can be okay with the situation.'"
Go LoveBunny!

"I'm sure he hoped he'd relax into it, but now it's clear one of you isn't going to get what you want."

"I know he says he'll never leave you because of polyamory, but what if he makes both your lives hell because he's miserable and resentful and the marriage disintegrates?"

Re: tips for how to help a mono person be less threatened by sharing ... are all well and good if the mono person is willing to *try.* From what I'm reading, your husband is far from willing to try. If he wants to open up about what specific concerns he has about polyamory, then we can possibly start addressing those concerns.

I suppose it never hurts to try poly-friendly therapy. Just don't have any kids in the meantime -- please. Keep your options open.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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