Wow... some people just do not ever outgrow high school.
The woman I've mentioned a few times now (I'm gonna call her Betty, for no reason other than that's the first thing that popped into my head and I'm tired of just calling her "the woman")... erg. Yeah.
I mentioned a while back that I was envious of Betty because of what I perceive as her confidence, don't-give-a-crap attitude, and sexual openness. And I mentioned that I was worried about Hubby and/or Guy deciding they liked her better than me, despite the fact that Hubby has barely talked to her in months and Guy keeps reassuring me that would never happen.
She and Best Friend no longer speak, and BF has found a new girlfriend. (I'm meeting her for the first time this afternoon, because I'm an important part of BF's life and she's an important part of his life, so he wants us to be friends.) Because BF has been realizing how many times Betty lied to him or hid things from him during their relationship, and has had others telling him how much she badmouthed him behind his back, he's chosen to stop holding *some* of her secrets. Mainly ones that are about other people. The other night he asked me, if he was afraid that Betty intended to hurt someone emotionally or cause problems for them, should he tell that person. When I said if he thought Betty would actually do something instead of just blowing off steam then he should speak up, he said, "Well, don't trust Betty."
Apparently before I went to visit Guy in April, Betty ranted about me to BF because I was "abandoning" my husband and kids "to fuck someone for a weekend." And she implied that she intended to try to break up Guy and me, which explains all of her thinly veiled hints to me that she's planning to hook up with Guy while she's in his area with the band on tour. She's working both sides; trying to make me believe Guy's hiding something because she knows dishonesty is one of my berserk buttons, and trying to make Guy believe that she's better than I am.
And when I told Guy that BF has been telling me a few things Betty said about me, Guy said, "Yeah, after you visited me she told me she was 'appalled' that you had come out here so soon after you and Hubby's wedding anniversary and that she didn't think you should be doing things like that." That was a couple nights ago; last night, Guy told me that in addition to saying that, Betty told him that if she saw him while she was in his area, she didn't want him to tell me and wanted him to lie to me about it if I asked.
I had told all three guys (Guy, BF, and Hubby) about my jealousy/envy issues regarding Betty, and all of them were reassuring me. But they had also said some negative things about her, and I couldn't quite understand why. And I didn't understand why Guy, who at first was like "Yay, Betty's going to be in my area, we can hook up" had suddenly changed to "I don't care if I see her, if I get to go to the concert it's only to see the band, my world doesn't revolve around Little Miss Betty."
NOW I understand. I've always known Betty is the type who will smile to your face while reaching around to your back with a knife. She has bipolar and possibly borderline personality disorder, and she's very much of the "I have my own rules for me, but everyone else has to follow these other rules" mindset. (For example, she'll talk behind anyone's back and sees no problem with it, but if she finds out anyone has talked about her, even if they've only said GOOD things, she blows a gasket.)
She bitches about people causing drama, but she'll... well, witness what she did to Guy and me, playing both sides of the game trying to make each of us think the other one was hiding something or wasn't good enough. And then there was all the nasty stuff she posted on Facebook about BF, in which she never named him but dropped enough info that everyone who knew them, knew who she was talking about. But she claims she hates drama and never engages in it. And she claims to hate liars, but has obviously been dishonest to me, has asked Guy to be dishonest to me, and BF and I have uncovered at least three things involving Guy, Hubby, and me that Betty lied to BF about.
I do wish I had more confidence. I wish I could go up to a man I'm interested in and say "Hey, wanna fuck". (I can't even do that with Hubby and Guy most of the time...) I wish I could live my life the way I want to without letting other people's opinions get to me.
But I wouldn't want to live my life the way Betty lives hers. She hurts people for the fun of it, or because she believes they deserve it, or whatever. She causes rifts in relationships and marriages as well as friendships.
I almost fell into the trap of hating her and feeling "better" than her when I found out from BF and Guy what she's been up to behind my back, but that isn't me. And that's the point. I don't hurt anyone deliberately, and if I find out I have hurt someone, I want to fix it. I admit I talk behind people's backs, but it's usually "She did this, and wow that's a cruddy thing to do, but she's a good person because she also did that." Still not necessarily okay, but not completely shredding someone and trying to turn other people against them, which is what Betty tries to do. But that doesn't mean I'm a better person than she is. She and I each have different issues, and she has a different way of behaving and dealing with her issues than what I have.
I feel a little sorry for her, because almost everyone who knows her, knows that she does this kind of thing, and because of it, very few people trust her. (Even before I found out all of this, I never completely trusted her, but I'd chalked it up to the fact that I have trust issues and never completely trust anyone.)
By badmouthing me, she began the process of alienating BF, though their friendship didn't completely fall apart until she turned to badmouthing him. She has alienated Guy, who was one of the few people she could talk to about her issues; he hates people who are dishonest, he hates being dishonest, and he is not impressed with anyone who puts me down or tries to hurt me. He says he's still her friend and will still talk to her, but he's sick of her drama and doesn't really want her as much of a part of his life. And Hubby, who has been friendly to her when we see her even though they don't talk much, has completely written her off; even though she wasn't foolish enough to try to turn *him* against me or badmouth me to him, just knowing what she said to BF and Guy is enough for Hubby to consider her nonexistent.
(And for anyone who's wondering, though I don't know if anyone actually reads this blog, the band's tour dates in Guy's city were changed; instead of three dates, one of which was on a day of the week that he might have been able to make it, they're now only doing one date, and it's a day that he has to work third shift and can't take off. So he won't be going to the show.)
I still intend to be friendly with Betty if I see her at parties and such...guardedly so, more guarded than I have been, but even though she's apparently said all these things behind my back, she's been friendly to me when we've seen each other since she said all these things. And in the past, she's helped and listened when I've been dealing with problems. So she's racked up a few goodwill points in my book; not enough to completely offset what I've learned, but enough for me to still be friendly to her when I encounter her.
Meanwhile, she went to two of the three men who care most about me of anyone in my life, and tried to turn them against me... and it backfired on her. And it somewhat amuses me that not only did she not think they would have a problem with the things she said about me, she actually believed they would AGREE with her.
Me: 44, cis-het female, poly
Hubby: my husband, 42, monogamous
S2: my "attachment", male, 44, undetermined
Best Friend: male, 38, platonic; the one who keeps me sane through all this!
My daughters: Alt (age 19) and Country (age 16)
S2's sons: Spikes (age 9) and Beads (age 6)