What am I doing wrong?!
First of all, just wanted to say that this is my first post and I searched poly forums specifically to be able to get some guidance on my situation but also, to familiarize myself with this lifestyle as I am totally new to it.
My partner and I decided to open our relationship earlier this year. There was a guy that kept hitting on me online and my partner wanted to go on a date with a women he knew. Perfect timing. My guy who's 14 years younger than me turned out to be absolutely wonderful... things got really intense. Contact every day, declarations, plans for the future, etc. The sex was okay, not great but I figured we'll get there. The sex was much better with my primary partner because I was aroused by the new situation so that was great too -- everyone was pretty happy, I think.
Except that I was getting too attached to the new guy. No wonder since he was constantly bombarding me with attention and it was all butterflies and roses. We talked about my primary relationship and I told him a few times I wouldn't leave my partner and he was okay with it, although he did ask me how many times my partner and I had sex, etc. But he continued to be super intense and said he was smitten with me.
Then about a 1.5 months into it, the new guy became distant. He said he couldn't be there long-term for me (I never asked), the constant contact ended, now things are sporadic and he hasn't asked me out in a long time... He hasn't dumped me but I'm definitely neglected. He says he's depressed (for other reasons) but I know he's actively dating and sleeping with other people.... I don't know why he throws me these breadcrumbs (still an occasional declaration, etc.) I don't know why he is that way and I haven't asked him but I am absolutely heartbroken. The worst is that my partner doesn't know that my gloominess is because of that -- I don't want to hurt him and it's not my place to seek relationship advice from him. I feel terribly guilty for falling for the other guy too and I'm having a terrible time getting over the new guy, I am angry at myself for falling for him where the poly thing was only supposed to be about sex and fun. It's definitely not and I've been miserable for a month now. Anxiety, depression, not able to do anything and not wanting to do anything and obsessing over the situation
I don't know what to do. What advice do you have? And how do you protect yourself from falling for the new person? Is this a rookie mistake or is this a known side-effect of poly relationships? Why do you think the new guy pushed me away?