Thread: Wide Awake
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Old 06-10-2014, 12:24 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 915

Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Re: your Houston ordeal ... I can sure relate. I'll never forget the time my wife and I went to the theater (which was unheard-of for us) to see "The Two Towers" when it came out, had this lovely time watching the movie, and then exited the theater to find the back window of our car smashed in, with the brick used to smash it sitting on the back seat.
Wow. People have no respect.

That's really scary that they got your host's driver's license. Crikey, she should actually consider moving to a new domicile so as to get a new address! I sure hope they catch the burglar that did it.
I do hope so. I hope she moves or increases the amount of security.

Re: the Kensi files ... it's astonishing that Matt was willing to meet with her at all, and while relations remain strained, at least y'all established that she and he can (under the right circumstances) converse civilly without causing a scene. I'm glad that worked out.
I was impressed by how they conducted themselves. It was quite apparent that he has no respect for her. He managed to keep it respectful.

It's cool that you are building a new friendship with her and getting some counseling to help. Sort of like getting closure on the situation.
I am happy that we are seeking therapy. If it will help us close out the past and rebuild on new ground, I am okay with that. I saw her this morning for a workout session. Ironically, she is fast becoming a confidante. I can appreciate her unbiased opinions regarding certain situations in my life. Her perspective is refreshing and always leaves me with something to think about.

Re: your best friend ... can you tell her that you're only turning down the offer for romance because you want to be monogamous with Matt? Perhaps that would help her feel better, like she wouldn't feel like it was something about her personally that you were rejecting.
She was always aware that my plan was to be mono with him. I told her that last year. I still continued carrying our pseudo relationship the same. Nothing changed between us. In all seriousness, it was a non-sexual relationship without a formal title. It was presented as us being friends only, but the inner workings, care, communication, and maintenance were that of a romantic relationship. I never desired her in a sexual way again, but I was quite fond of the romantic interactions. The only reason we were not in a full blown/co-primary or secondary relationship was the distance. In a sense I can understand her grieving what has changed. We are transitioning, so a period of adjustment is to be expected.

I seem to recall that Matt was relatively okay with you warming up to her, in contrast to how he feels about Kensi. Like SNeacail said maybe you and she can at least have an extra warm friendship (with extra hugs)?
He was supportive of me starting a formal relationship with her, but I was always suspicious of him suggesting that after everything we had been through. He trusts and respects her. He knows she has nothing to gain by wrecking our marriage and family. She has her own spouse and children. Aside from that, she lives in the States, so his supportive stance was that she would not be involved in the day to day affairs. Our children know her as Aunt B and their godmother, so he has no issue with her spending time with them. She took them to lunch and to the movies over the weekend. He happily sent them off. Every facet is a stark contrast between the two relationships. For example, I could have a dinner date with her, and he would enquire about it after. With Kensi, silence and no interest.

We shook hands yesterday, and she was like, "I have been downgraded to handshakes? Not even a hug?" I felt terrible. It left a bad taste in my mouth because though she laughed it off, I think it hurt her feelings. That was not my intent.

Re: your regrets about being a bad mum ... like SNeacail said we all have things we regret; Lord knows I do and I don't even have any kids. I handled poly totally the wrong way when I first started getting into it, and that's just one of my many regrets. I am glad you are getting therapy for the guilt feelings, and hope you can get some healing and self-forgiveness.
I experienced a taste of this last year, but it subsided. I have had no such luck this time around. I was hoping it would vacate the premises, but it did not. Unlike the PND after my son's birth, I knew I needed help.

We can't turn back the clock and we can't scry into the future, so focus on the present and on being the best mum you can be in the here and now. I have a brother who's in prison and Lord knows he regrets his mistakes -- yet he has learned to transform prison life into a wondrous stage of personal growth. He is not a bad person, he just has hang-ups he needs to overcome and big mistakes that he has to pay for. I have learned that we all need a second chance. We all have our weak areas.
You are absolutely right. I am not sure what the trigger was this time, but I was fine for the longest and like a bolt, it struck me down. Mummyhood is in shambles right now. I envy what he has with our two younger children. I know relationships ebb and flow, but it bothers me that they both gravitate towards him. I know it will not always be like that, but it does nothing for my confidence in my parenting skills when my child tells me she would rather spend time with him or do certain activities with him because she did them with him when I was "always gone." I know she does not mean to throw salt in the wounds, but comments like that do hurt. I swear my child is harbouring some resentment towards me. She hates Kensi. She swears up and down that Kensi is the reason I was unavailable to her, and nothing we have said has been able to change that. My therapist wanted to talk to her, but I was not comfortable with her being in therapy at her age. We might need to reconsider. If she was older, I would say she had it out for me and wanted to hurt me intentionally. I expect to experience this with the oldest. Not a five year old.

There's a certain excellent YouTube: Stephanie Snyder on "Learning to Live." The overall message I got from it is: Embrace the dark, broken part/s of yourself. Don't run from it. Don't try to hide from it. Don't lie about it. Don't hide it from others. Admit that you're a screw-up, and that that's ... okay. Examine your weaknesses so as to understand yourself better as a whole person, not just as a "conveniently edited" person. Humans are both naturally good and bad inside (but ultimately good at the very core). You have to be able to embrace the bad in order to get to the good. Vision of one's worth and purpose in life lies just on the other side of the very thin line that divides vision from shame. So if you are feeling ashamed for any reason, you're probably closer to enlightenment than you realize. Don't hate yourself; just learn from yourself, and be completely honest about all of who you are.
Thank you for the link. I will check it out.

Seems to me like you're already on the right track.
I hope so.

Last edited by FullofLove1052; 06-10-2014 at 03:06 AM.
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