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Old 06-09-2014, 03:13 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,118

In our poly V, we've always had a rule about practicing safe sex with others. When this has involved PIV sex, condoms have always been a requirement.

However, my GF recently had sex with her current secondary for the first time, unprotected, using the withdrawal method.
So she broke agreement. What is the group's consequence for this?

She now seems to have forgotten everything she said during our discussion and now feels that in the unlikely (?) event that she became pregnant, we'd have to deal with it as and when. She even started talking about the possibility of us raising any potential baby as our own. It has sent me into panic mode.
If you are not up for raising another kid, tell her point blank and what the consequences are. Maybe you bow out.

Do any of you use the withdrawal method?
Yes. Used it. Along with other methods over my lifetime.

One can learn to chart to avoid rather than to conceive. Combined with withdrawal, that works out provided the persons is organized/diligent.

This does not mean it is fullproof. And this does not guard against STDs.

Where is the line here between personal choice about our own bodies and taking risks that could be life changing for our partners?
She shares sex with multiple people -- her health hygiene practices already affect all of you. I think that is the wrong question to be asking!

The more pertinent questions to me follow this line of thought:
  • What are the consequence for breaking agreements in this case?
    • I am done. Bowing out.
    • I am still willing to forgive and date her.
      • GENERAL: How will she be making amends and making good in future on her trustworthiness/follow through?
      • SPECIFIC TO THIS CASE: Does my GF have the self-discipline to keep up with charting to avoid and encourage her partner to withdraw? Does he have the self discipline to withdraw? Do I trust them both to follow through?

I don't know her at all but from your past posts I would guess NO. Does not have the self discipline.

If she's done with children -- (sterilization) might be worth looking at for her as better option than (TTA/withdraw). Vasectomies are in and out, so "easier" in that sense than female sterilization. But that's all her and her other partner, not you. What you manage is your willingness to participate if they do/do not do something about birth control.

Given GF's low fertility, am I overreacting here?
I don't think you are reacting to just the odds of her getting pregnant. You are processing other things that ding you here.
  • Her past history of thoughtlessness and putting you in this spot again -- where you have to deal with something she doesn't think out all the way.
  • Processing broken agreement, her trustworthiness.
  • Processing that she just assumes you are up for raising another kid if she has an accidental pregnancy.

She has historically been thoughtless/fresh. In the past you accepted you deal in this and continue to date her.

NEW point in time. You get to reassess -- are you still willing to continue to deal in this at this point in time? That is something only YOU can answer. It is understandable to feel panic -- she dings you at core levels sometimes. That is part of the price of admission to date her -- she is how she is and she does not change. You determine what your (mental-emotional-physical-spiritual) health wallet can afford.

I can't think of a nicer way to say all that. But that's what I see.

Have you discussed what you would do if an accidental pregnancy happened?
Yes, to me that it part of the basic sex health convo -- past partners, stds, dealing with babies (planned or unplanned.) That's stuff I want to know before I jump into bed with someone new or before I choose to CONTINUE to be a lover to someone who has multiple partners. One must check in periodically to see if feelings/thoughts/practices have to change, have changed or stayed same.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 06-09-2014 at 06:32 PM.
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