Thread: Wide Awake
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Old 06-09-2014, 05:49 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
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And the rest...

Kensi and I are on solid ground. We get on well. She knows that a romantic future will never happen between us again, and she has been respectful of my wishes and requests. We talk and text every day. She has committed to earning my trust back, and we both know that it will take time. I am not as forgiving as my husband is or even forgiving as I once was.

It is not uncommon for us to meet-up at a bakery and have tea and indulge. I do not mind hugging her or any physical contact. I have warmed up to her, and if things continue to go well, she will have a place in my life. I have not carved out what the friendship will look like. I am playing it by ear.

We are slowly reconnecting on social media. We follow each other on Instagram. I have no pictures of my children on Instagram, so I do not have a problem with her following me or commenting on pictures. It is a civilised friendship. I am remembering who she was and why I enjoyed her company. We all make shitty choices (check the last year of my posts), but people can change and realise their error of their ways. I do believe that is what has happened with her. She has done some maturing and growing up. I will never say anything bad about that.

My husband and my ex met face to face for the first time in almost a year. We met up for lunch at a new restaurant, and we were seated outside. I was pleasantly surprised by their exchanges. He gave her the chance to speak and formally apologise directly to him. He accepted the apology. She carefully selected her words. She knew not to ask about our children because that is a trigger and the start to a war. It was an intense conversation complete with tears on her end. He maintained a straight face. He asked her an arsenal of questions that only she had the answers to. My husband does not hold back. The conversation was productive, and I believe they both had the chance to hear one another out.

I am going to be presumptuous and say her apologising and the conversation were cathartic. I do not foresee them being cordial again, and as of now, he is not willing to renegotiate his boundaries regarding her. She is not welcome in our home, around our children, or even around him outside of controlled circumstances. It is not my place to push him to be around someone who makes him uncomfortable. Our home is our sanctuary, and no one should be able to come in and take away that peace and comfort. He does not want to be around her outside of circumstances that he can control. When he was done with the conversation, he excused himself and went to another part of the restaurant. He may have forgiven her, but he does not trust her or respect her. He agreed to the lunch with an agreement and understanding in place that she was not to make a scene, be disrespectful, or cause any kind of attention to be directed at our table.

I have agreed to seek therapy with her. I cannot commit to sitting in a therapist's office during the week, as my schedule is on lock from 3-11 Monday-Friday and all day Saturday. I can give maybe 50-75 minutes on a Sunday afternoon, and it might have to be via video chat. I am happy that our friendship is blossoming and healthy.

Other stuff...

My best friend is having a hard time just being platonic friends with me. It would not be as bad if she was not in the same city right now. When there is an ocean separating us, who cares about the missing PDA? There is no more holding hands, kissing, cuddling, or any non-sexual/romantic interactions. That has been our dynamic since our break-up in 1999. We have always maintained the flirty, non-sexual girlfriend dynamic, and in one of my previous posts, I decided that the conduct was unbecoming and disrespectful to my spouse. Our friendship is in a transition stage. We have been friends for 30+ years, and we will weather this storm. Our recent interactions have been strained, and I rather hate it. I know she is in love with me. I am trying to be sensitive to the fact that she is grieving for what will never be. It has to be hard to know that all someone can offer is friendship even though you are in love with them. I want our friendship to survive this change.

I have moments where I miss what we had and feel guilty about changing it. It was not hurting anyone, but I also feared that my husband was just rolling with it because it was in place before I met him like it was a package deal. Obviously a tonne has changed between us and in our marriage, and my belief is that certain behaviours must change to reflect that. The non-sexual dynamic with her was the last active tie to poly, and I cannot say, "I am giving up x and y, but I am going to keep doing z." I just hope that I made the right decision.

I am back in therapy. I have been dealing with a lot emotionally, and I was drowning. My marriage and the relationships with my children are the only places of nirvana. I am dealing with the situation with my best friend. I have a tonne on my plate. I have mummy guilt to the extreme, and it has evolved into a maternal depression. Privately, I could cry at the amount of time I missed with my children because of my choices. I have never detailed how we did poly parenting, but I read two or three recent threads on here that made me think about it. My children never slept at my ex's home. My husband would not back down, and he absolutely refused to let our children bounce between homes to suit my selfishness or fantasies about equality and co-parenting. He said our children were never going to be suitcase babes. He made it clear that stability and routines were going to be established. He made no secret that no one--even me--was going to infringe on the little amount of bonding time he had with them. He refused to be treated like a parent with visitation to his own children. As a result, whenever I slept over at my ex's house, my children were never there. The catch-22 was he got sick and tired of her always being in our home and steadily infringing on his time with them. Her coming to our home was the solution to him not wanting our children to leave our home. I could never admit this before, but it was incredibly selfish to my children. Their father is their father, and it was wrong of me to minimise the amount of time he had with them and give that time to someone else. Right now, it makes me upset when my time is cut with them, and he dealt with that crap for the first four years of one child's life and the first nine of the second child's life. I now understand his argument. He only has 6-10 to spend with them every night, and I have to spend time with them, too. That is four measly hours out of 24. With the way I was doing things before, those four hours were shared among three "parents" because I had to bond with them when I was home, too. I am sure a child psychologist would want to shake me and ask what the bloody hell was wrong with me?

I may do another post on poly parenting and the pitfalls for us because I do not want anyone to ever make the mistakes that I did. It is not worth it when your child ends up screaming in another language when her ex-mummy's name is mentioned. It is not worth it when said child asks that all pictures of that ex-parental figure be removed. It is not worth it when your spouse stops trusting your decision making regarding what is best for your children. It is not worth it when you sink into maternal depression that is crippling and has you feeling like the worst parent in the world. It is damn sure not worth it when you are told by a professional that you need to learn who your children are and bond with them because you were gone too much to know who they are. Oh, that makes you feel like mummy of the year.

I have learned, and I will never make the same mistakes again. I am too busy living in the shadow of my mistakes to even think about making new mistakes.

I hope everyone is well. I have not really been up to posting, but it is good to vent from time to time. I am hanging in there. This too shall pass. I will get back to the point of smiling in the face of adversity. Right now, I have to fix myself because I am admittedly broken internally right now, but I will rise from the ashes and be stronger, wiser, and better than before. Here is to rebuilding.

Last edited by FullofLove1052; 06-09-2014 at 05:52 AM.
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