So apparently I keep forgetting to write here, but I suppose being low on emotional energy is a good excuse.
My respect for John has grown even further after the way we resolved the fight. I know looking back that I was just exhausted and trying to push everyone away because I was feeling so miserable. And he didn't let me. He was up front that he was upset but told me that when we have problems, we should talk them out. He was insistent but not pushy. And when he came over, we had an open and honest discussion about what happened. I am seriously impressed at how he handled me, given that I know I was out of line. I really feel like we have something that matters together. It still bothers me that I cant fuck him or do sexual play because I have those needs going unmet, but this means way too much to me to leave him because of that.
John and Mark met at a BDSM munch last week too, which was pretty awesome. He met all my friends and then the two of them spent some time together chatting. It made me feel really good. Mark says that John wouldn't be someone that he'd choose for his friend, but he seems like a nice enough guy.
Mark has been home for a week but has a brief trip coming up again. I'm still feeling pretty drained from all the talking we've done. His emotions are bouncing like a ping pong ball too.
As for Greg, who I wrote about in a previous post... it's my own fault for letting things get too intense before spending more time together in person. My friend was probably right that I was craving the attention, so I was willing to overlook potential incompatibilities. I was already nervous about the idea that we wanted different things kinkwise. Unfortunately, we're not a good match sexually either which leaves me feeling so awkward because I know he's really into me, and I honestly like him so much. I want to stay friends and would be happy to be friends with occasional benefits. I just don't see this becoming the D/s relationship that he wants with me. It's hard. I'm not used to having to let people down like this.
Under it all there's frustration why does it have to be so hard to find someone who's compatible in terms of kink and likes to fuck???? :P With one boyfriend I can't fuck, I need to have another partner that I can. I have a sex drive somewhat north of nymphomania. I'm just not used to being without someone I can bang like a sign in high wind :P
: 32 yrs, poly pansexual Dominant female.
Mark/StbxH, my husband of ten years, now separated with no desire of reconciliation.
Henry, 28yrs, my collared submissive, dating for 11 months and recently cohabitating. Currently no other partners.
Jennifer, 39yrs, dating for a year. Married and has other partners.
Kiddo, my 6 year old son