I've been trying to do a better job of expressing throughout this what exactly my needs are.
Circle from list? Could that help?
But, i told him, if he wouldn't ask for my approval before meeting her for an unscheduled lunch, there is no reason it has to be that way for me. It's more a matter of principle, and it's little things like that that would help me.
I am going to gently disagree. I could be totally wrong in this case... but to me it isn't about him having some agreements with his wife to meet her needs. It's that he might be oversharing them with you and/or that you might be choosing to get upset over it.
What "principle" you are talking about?
I'm not clear. I think he could be respectful of both his partners. That part could be "the same for both."
HOW he demonstrates respectful behavior toward his partners doesn't have to be the same behaviors because you guys have your own preferences. That doesn't have to be the same. One might not care about shoes on the rug, one might want shoes by the front door so the carpet doesn't get grubby. Being "respectful" in each partner's home could be different behaviors. Is that what you mean about having the same principle or did you mean something else?
You guys are different people, and will have different needs. Having "everything the same" in behaviors is not going to work because you may not have the same needs. Like if he passes out chocolate cupcakes to all his partners - that might be "equal and all the same behavior" But if one of you is allergic to chocolate or not into desserts, that's not necessarily "meeting my needs."
If I were dating him? His agreements with his wife could be whatever they are. If they share an agreement that he has to check in with her first before asking me out for a lunch date -- well and good. Their agreement, their deal between them, esp if one of them going out means the other one is on parenting duty with the kid. I get that. But they could sort all that stuff out on their own time.
I wouldn't need to know or be involved in their parenting issues at that stage of the game.
But by the time he asks me out for lunch and I'm involved at that point of the process? I expect it to be good to go. Don't be asking me out for Thurs or Fri lunch, if it turns out he can't actually go because the baby has a doc appt Thurs or something. If he's not actually free
to ask me out for Thurs, why's he asking for Thurs? Get it together, dude. Just go with asking me for the Fri then from the start. Organize yourself! Kid emergencies happen, and that's fine, but basic time management, please.
Like I said, I could be wrong, but that's my impression: "Sloppy hinge" with information management (goes to TMI) and not on it with his time management. Then it could get compounded if you choose to take the extra info he overshares personally, or if you choose to think "less than" or "competing with the wife" thoughts. Not fun.
If that applies in your case, maybe those are areas you and he could work on improving. Better info management and time management boundaries.
I think sometimes poly people can act like they are single or mono, and go ahead and do certain things, not fully being aware of how what they do with one partner ALWAYS ripples down to the other partner(s).
Yup. The polymath
Which is why it did hurt so much to find out they had planned this huge change for all of our lives.
It's not cool to do that when this group is more than the one dyad -- it is a 4 person polyship from the sound of it. That polymath shape has MANY singles, duos, trios, and a quad for communication avenues.
At the same time, if this is a matter of great import to you that is something you could have asked. "Is there to be more TTC going on?" Better the issues get covered from BOTH directions than not at all in my mind. Each person has to hold up their end of the stick.
(Him + wife) <---> you
is a two way communication arrow there. It's not the only layer in a 4 person polymath, but that seems to be one layer you are talking about here with the communication issues.