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Old 06-01-2014, 02:22 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 1,728

Yesterday I went to the wedding of an old friend of mine to her girlfriend. I didn't know many people there; most were friends or relatives of the girlfriend, or people the two of them know in their area.

But two women were there whom I knew in high school. One of them, I lost touch with when she graduated two years ahead of me (making it about 28 years ago!); the other graduated three years ahead of me but I saw her occasionally after that because she was briefly married to one of my dad's cousins.

I had a great conversation with them about pretty much everything. I'd always gotten along with them, but we have more in common belief-wise and life-wise now than we did back then.

I told both of them about my situation with Hubby and Guy. The first woman said it's cool as long as everyone agrees and no one's coercing anyone or giving in on things they'd rather not do. The second one hugged me and said, "I am so happy for you and proud of you, and you deserve having this good in your life. Congratulations!"

I also "came out" to my dad yesterday. My mother has known for almost a year about Guy, but kept telling me not to tell my dad because "he wouldn't understand." My dad used to have three male friends who lived as a triad for nearly two decades; it isn't something he's unfamiliar with. I've been staying in the hotel where Dad works this weekend, because it's halfway between my home and where my friend's wedding was, so yesterday I found him on his meal break and told him.

He rolled his eyes a few times, grimaced a few times, and asked me more than once if Hubby knew about Guy and was really okay with it (and grimaced more when I said Hubby figured out how I felt about Guy before I was willing to admit it, and told me it was all okay), but he didn't react negatively. I think, knowing my dad, that part of his reaction was due to TMI factor more than to the actual situation. I was visiting him and my mom Friday night before I checked into the hotel and mentioned Guy a couple of tmes, but I wasn't comfortable with my dad thinking Guy was just a friend of the family or something. I'm not telling EVERYONE who Guy really is in my life, but I want people who are a big part of my life (like my parents) to know. And I'm slowly telling people I think might be okay with it, like the women at the wedding, because the more I tell people and get positive reactions, the more I'll be able to cope with negative reactions if any come up, if that makes sense.

Meanwhile, my mom keeps saying things like "You have to be careful that you don't treat Guy like he's equal to Hubby. You have to protect Hubby's feelings and not let him think he isn't important. You have to be careful what you say to him about Guy." Um... NO, I actually don't. Guy IS equal to hubby in terms of his role in my life, and Hubby knows it and completely accepts it. Hubby is abundantly capable of telling me if I say too much about Guy or tell him something that makes him feel hurt or uncomfortable, and Hubby has told me many times to say what I want to and not worry about his feelings, he'll tell me if I cross any line.

My mother pretends to be open-minded and stuff, but honestly, she's part of the "women exist to serve men" mindset. My first marriage was abusive, including one incident of sexual assault, and every time including that one incident, my mother told me it was my fault because I wasn't trying hard enough to make the marriage work and I wasn't making my then-husband feel good enough about himself to keep him from acting that way. For whatever reason, she believes women do not have an existence, let alone a life, separate from their husbands, and must be subservient in all ways to the man even if it causes her harm.

Which is bull, and there are times when I want to grab her, shake her, and tell her to get a frigging LIFE that does'nt involve being my father's wife. (To give my dad full credit, he does NOT like that my mother acts this way, and has no desire to have her be subservient to him in any manner, but he accepts it as an unchangeable part of her personality. Though he did go off on her massively when he found out about what my first husband did to me and learned that I stayed in that marriage for 11 more years after the one incident because I had no resources to get out on my own, and my mother refused to help me and told me not to tell my dad anything about it.)
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