Thread: Captain's Log
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Old 05-31-2014, 06:01 PM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Florida, USA
Posts: 441

Shane returned to town after a month away. Soon, he goes away again for another month. By late fall or early winter, he will probably take a post overseas. Shane wanted to see me as soon as possible when he got back, texted me for two days straight trying to get me to come over. I wanted to spend some time with him before we did anything sexually, because I wasn't feeling connected, what with him away for so long when we've just started dating. He did text me here and there during his trip to let me know he was thinking of me which was nice.

So I made a date with him for Saturday (today) when I knew I had a long chunk of time to spend. But then, I got horny yesterday (Friday,) I had a few hours to kill, the island felt hot and steamy and sexy, and with my engines revving, I hit him up for a booty call. This was a big mistake.

When I first walked into his condo, I realized that since he left, I had forgotten exactly how he looked and sounded. My memory of his face and voice were just a bit off, and reminded me I haven't known him long or well. We had a glass of wine and chatted a bit. When he started kissing me, I thought I was relaxed and ready, lips on the neck felt nice, hands on my ass, yes, yes, yes.

This was the first time he and I have done it indoors (the two other times were quickies on remote beaches) and this was the first time we had uninterrupted private sexy-time. We moved it into his bedroom. Somewhere into it, I just shut down emotionally, physically. Though some of the things he did felt quite good, I couldn't reach a satisfying orgasm, and some things he did I did not like at all.

During sex, my submissive tendencies come out, and I become very pliable and unwilling to create conflict. Some of the things he did were a bit too intense for me within the context of our relationship. For example, he wanted me not to break eye contact with him, which made me feel very, very vulnerable. I took it as a challenge, and did it as best I could. He told me, "You are mine now," which came off creepy. He brought up my husband a couple of times, like "When's the last time your husband fucked you like this?" I mumbled, "Let's not talk about him." But he did it again, "Your husband's an idiot for not fucking you every day." I did not like him disrespecting my Arlo. He ordered me not to use the word "pussy," to use the word "cunt." I guess that's not a big deal, I can get over my negative connotations of the "c" word, but it annoyed me. He sucked my toes and licked my armpits, which is flattering, I guess, but ick.

I know I could've stopped him anytime, but I don't like to get "blueballed" (whatever the female equivalent is) so I don't do it to others. He wasn't forcing or hurting me, and there were some very nice moments, he does certain things very well. So I just carried on until he came, then extricated myself. Afterwards, I was flooded with depression. This was not the fulfilling experience I wanted. I felt degraded, though that's not fair to either of us. Why didn't I speak up, slow down, do what I needed to do to educate him of my likes and dislikes? Would that have made it better, or turned sex into less of a dance, more of an exercise?

As I was leaving, he asked if we could still have our date tonight (Saturday) and I said okay. I don't feel he did anything to merit my loss of warmth, plus I hoped I'd feel more positive about the experience after I slept on it. But today, I want to cancel our date, and possibly end the whole thing.

I cannot get close to someone who is so often away, and who won't even be on the same continent a year from now (I'm not interested in an LDR.) Also, I really don't like how casually Shane has sex. He was telling me about some of his recent encounters, one with a woman who I rejected on AdultFriendFinder. He said he didn't care that she wasn't that good looking or particularly interesting, as long as she could fuck like a champ. Good for him that he gets off so easy. Honestly, I'm a little jealous. Still, it turns me off about him.

I'd rather text him than talk so I can measure my words. Something like: "Hey Shane, I'd prefer to cancel tonight. Yesterday was a bit intense for me, and I'd like to step back and recalibrate a bit before I see you again. That's not a reflection of anything you did or of my liking for you, I just want to process it." Should I do it before I know he gets off work? in two hours? Or should I just wait and see if he texts me first? Or should I just tell him I'm tired or busy tonight after all, then process it on my own, then talk to him about my feelings after I've had time to figure them out? He's a pretty casual guy...

Perhaps I've got what I needed out of this relationship. Shane taught me a lot about what I do and don't want out of non-monogamy, we've had some fun, but he's not, ultimately, scratching my itch. I keep coming back to the idea that it's really a woman I want, and not a man at all. I certainly don't want Shane to cuddle me or hold me. I'm not sure I want any man to (except Arlo sometimes.) I think Shane will be disappointed, but I doubt I'm breaking his heart. Hmmmm......
Female, biamorous, mid 40's

girlfriend Melinda, lesbian, early 30's

Last edited by LoveBunny; 05-31-2014 at 06:09 PM.
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