This week I signed off on the last two legal responsibilities that I had in regards to Cinder and Iís settlement. It brought up a lot of emotions for me, and I dipped down into the blackness for an evening before the week went on and I had some good work days, and some good realisations. Apparently everything is done now and I just have to wait for my cheque, which is a huge relief. I have been tied up waiting for this resolution, and now that is imminent I can rest and relax a bit and focus on more mid -term goals in the near future. Iím still going to go easy for the next couple of months, and enjoy the summer, then come fall Iíll take a good hard look at the next 2-5-10 year plan.
Part of my realization is that with the imminent settlement and divorce, there is no need to live in the past. That part of my life is over, full stop. In all likelihood I will never have another meaningful conversation or interaction with Cinder ever again. The sadness and hurt and all the ancillary emotions are kind of moot. It would be my choice to stay in those feelings at this point. My choice. Just like it was my choice to end our relationship, because it didnít work for either of us. Thatís another revelation. It didnít work for either of us. So in that way there is no more reason for blame, or victim mentality, or ďlook at all the bad shit that happened to meĒ. The way she treated me after the fact has nothing to do with the fact that our relationship didnít work, and wasnít going to work for either of us. In some ways I took the bullet for both of us, because I had the fortitude to break the co-dependant nightmare we were living in and set us both free. I feel pretty good about that.
I also am trying to switch my mentality to one of compassion for Cinder, because she has struggled with mental health issues in her personality and her family dynamic for all of her life, and she is again taking steps to work on that in therapy ( yes I read her blog lol). I think that is a good step for her to ensure she heals the parts of herself that would do the things she did in our relationship. I would hope she wouldnít do that to Art, or any other man or woman ever again. I know she has a lot of work to do, but I know she is well situated with the bulk of our life intact and know she is savvy in those ways. I can let go of the burning plastic hate that I developed for her, and move on with my life, for me and by me, and share it with those that better fit my psychology and emotional makeup. I have no desire for therapy, or intense personality overhaul. Being on my own has revealed my character again and not having to react to a partners mental health issues constantly have given me the opportunity to work on myself. I donít discount therapy or its benefits, I just feel like I have the tools I need, and the ability. I think just having better boundaries has helped me immeasurably. I listen to the quietest voice inside myself and let that be my guide. Weíll see where that leads me!
Just had a lovely visit with equally lovely Chiquita. She just had some exquisite body ink done, and it just accentuates her beauty. We have such a carnal connection, food, drink, sex, intimacy. When we are together I always sleep late and deep and we intertwine into each other so effortlessly. We check in with each other about our other intimate relationships, and always have a way of communicating simply and without drama. She is so easy going and accessible. That is not to say she is submissive or subservient. She is a strong, proud woman, happily self-determined. We know where we stand with each other, and I am pretty happy to be sharing love with such person. She is teaching me a lot about acceptance and boundaries, about where emotional responsibility starts and stops. You have to look deeper into people to see the golden glow I think.
Raven is coming to visit, and I am so looking forward to that! We are going to do all the things lol. We are going to relax into each other and get comfortable and see what is there. I know we both have kindled our connection, and Iím pretty sure it wonít take much to turn it into a roaring bonfire again.
I have no expectation, and neither does she. We both share a love that we get to determine what it means to both of us, without any interference. Thatís something we both need, self-determination. I think both of our future relationships will have that common thread. She is one of the most considerate people I know, but also has a keen self-awareness of where her shit stops and someone else's starts. That is something I have been working on and that she has helped me identify. Not taking other peoples issues on. I did that so much with Cinder that is helped drown my desire for her. Take on and forced to take on. I am a powerfully passionate person, but I want emotional responsibility to go with that. I am having that with my Special Ladies and am going to cultivate that with all my future relationships.