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Old 04-16-2010, 10:59 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
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The specific question posted was "what do you think about friending ex lovers on facebook" and my specific answer was "no problem at all".

A more important question is, "what do you think of a person getting back together with an ex lover" and my answer to that, for either a mono or poly person, is "Bad bad idea." I never understand why people think it will work any better the second time. People break up for a reason, and most second runs end the same way as the first ones. Sure "people change" and it is theoretically possible that given enough time, both people will change enough to become "a whole new person" but by the time they grow that much, their romantic interests tend to change as well.

Originally Posted by tinylove View Post
I disagree with this statement. Who cares who they are dating ? I DO! Stand in the way ?? Why because I am not just into an open marriage. I want to know who my partner is sleeping with and I want and need to get along with them or there will be conflict. I have a family that involves three small children.
How does being an ex preclude you from knowing her and getting along with her? Does their history brings up insecurities about your relationship?

It almost seems like you're talking about vetos, and whether vetoing an entire group of people (exes) carte blanche without meeting them is appropriate.

To me if you do not want agreements and terms than just have an open marriage and screw whoever you want. Who cares right as long as you and they are happy??? !!!
Just by being in a marriage, we've already made agreements and terms: We've promised to respect each other, communicate to the best of our ability, and avoid behaviour that would knowingly harm one another. We never make any major life decisions without discussing it first and coming to an agreement that works best for both of us. Dating people is no exception.

I am venting here cause this really makes me mad. Yes I want my husband to be happy but to assume that because I want to know who he is chatting with is standing in his way UGH just makes me mad.

I for one want to know who is in my husbands life. I want him to open up to me and tell me how he feels. We had talked last night and went over a lot of new thoughts, feelings and emotions.
Again, don't you have a better chance of knowing who he's chatting with if they're friends on facebook? Wanting to know who he's dating is definitely not standing in his way, and I did not imply it is. But it's possible that writing off an entire group of women with whom he may find happiness could prevent him from finding that happiness with those women.

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
She was saying-if they love each other and it's good-who cares if they are also previously exes?
Exactly what I meant.

If someone, either ex or newbie, was unwilling to at least get to know me, that would raise red flags. We may not become friends, not everyone clicks that way, but a few coffees are good to get a solid sense of one another.

I probably did take it too far by saying "who cares who they date" ... of course any loving partner is going to care about whom their spouse is dating. I guess what I really meant was, who cares if they're an ex, as long as their relationship with your husband is healthy, they are loving and supportive, good role models for your kids, etc. I mean, you husband had the sense to marry you, so his taste in women must be reliable, right?
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
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