I did make a note on this blog about trust issues in my relationships a couple months ago. We managed to work through them, and now I know both my partners better than before. The trust we now have lies on a more firm ground than before; it is less based on assumptions and more based on reality. I cannot swear that we’d have gotten rid of all false assumptions, but some anyway. Yay to that!
This was the first time in my life I actually managed to properly work through a conflict. Not giving up on anyone involved, not holding to my unrealistic ideals or anything such.
As a child, I did not learn any useful conflict resolution skills at all. In my birth family there was no such thing as “conflict resolution”. If someone disagreed with “the will of God” which most often was the way my parents or the church wanted things to be, the wrongdoer had to submit to the “truth”. If they did not, they were disowned and all ties cut with them - no matter who they were. Biologically related or not (my parents have disowned several of their many children, as well as their own siblings and parents).
If I ended up in a disagreement with my friends, the advice given at home was to cut all ties with that friend. And this I did a lot of times in my life - it was the only way I knew to deal with problems: to run away from them.
Now, as I ended up in a real conflict with my partners, my initial thought was to run away. Run away from both of them and start fresh someplace new, with all new people, in a new country. Just start all over again. Exactly what I have done several times in my life. Just this time I realized it is not a good idea at all. I love my partners, and I want to stay together with them. And that is what I did this time - with good results. Amazing! I actually have learned new skills!
Also, my suicidal thoughts did surface again during the conflict. Luckily they are less intense and shorter-lived than ever before. Probably one day I can say that I truly *want* to live… to the end. Or maybe not. Anyway, life has gotten much easier to handle in the recent years.
ETA: With all this in mind, it is almost unbelievable that I am able to maintain a healthy poly dynamic. Maybe I have seen many enough examples of how *not* to do it, and read about the better ways - and managed to put them into practise. This is nothing short of a miracle, actually.
sharing my everyday life with
CJ: legal husband and
Last edited by Nadya; 05-26-2014 at 03:24 PM.