Icesong: Your question prompted some really great material for my morning meditations as of late! Not just on how to leave behind physicality, but on how and why physical relationships are developed in the first place.
I have always been deeply curious about the nature of sexuality, and of the meat of desire. Given that all of my lovers have had the same capacity for connection and pleasure in the sexual realm, it reminds me that any two (or more) people could potentially fit together. Given that I am not someone who is overly hung up on packaging, I have had a wide variety of physical manifestations of desire. Female or male no longer separates or divides me from potential partners. I have dated people with every shade of skin colour. I have dated tall and lanky, short and squat, pale and hairy, muscular and stereotypically sexy. I have dated fit and fat, shy and confident, gentle and aggressive. I am good with mega nerds, have dated two confident and extroverted millionaires, fitness junkies, music fanatics, writers, an ambassador, students, construction workers, a doctor, artists, engineers.... these things matter very little in the grand scheme of attraction for me. The mystery lies in that point of connection. That place where one crosses over time and space and begins something physical. I suppose in many ways I am a die-hard sapiosexual.
I have enjoyed having lovers in my life for the last 21 years. People that have come into my life under the primary point of a sexual connection have shaped much of my sensual personality and I have always enjoyed cultivating that side of myself. Relationships can and have developed out of said connections, but in many ways, it is a rather backwards approach to things.
I meditate on FullofLove's choice to wait for physicality with her husband, and think of other friends who have taken the same approach, and concentrated on building a friendship and relationship before introducing the impressive weight of sexuality into their connection. Desire might be present, yes, but the manifestation unleashes a torrent of hormones and emotions that simply are not there when sexuality hasn't entered the picture. In some ways I wonder if I haven't been too casual with something fairly sacred inside of me.
It truly makes me wonder if I would have pursued any of my more significant relationships with the absence of sex. Had that not been binding and connecting us, what would we have had? Could we have spent years of our lives together, talking and sharing our thoughts and lives without that point of connection? I actually don't think so, and that is leading me to really evaluate the way that I have chosen to develop connections in my life.
I am bonkers in the sack. I fucking love sex and from the feedback that I have received, I am rather good at it. I am deliciously connected to my body, creative, good, giving and game. I am exploratory and enthusiastic, a true switch; I can climb a body like a jungle gym and put a man through his paces until he bursts into tears, or submit fully to his every whim, embodying fantasy fully. I can hone a woman into a blinding diamond tip of pleasure until she screams my name, have her clamour against my bones to be held and rocked to sleep like an infant in the aftermath of satiation. These things are not hard for me.
What's hard is real trust and knowing. Of seeing and respecting someone fully without the distractions and delusions of sex. Of cultivating love, whether romantic or not, and seeing what develops over the years. Watching your feelings, and listening to yourself; seeing what parts of you desire, what parts ache for what, what needs are not being fulfilled, and then learning to fill them yourself.
All of these meditations have led to some large change in my life and relationships over the past couple of weeks. I realize that I need time. To stand quietly inside of myself and be in a state of wonder and bliss in my own life that I have built for myself. Good sex? No problem. I can cultivate that easily. But perhaps it's time that I cultivate a different kind of relationship in my life, both with myself, and with my 'lovers'.
My poly has been drastically different than many people's. I have had incredible love affairs with people that to most, look like friendship. They are not. They are something richer and deeper, and while the love that is shared simply doesn't cross over into stereotypically sexual realms there is an undeniable intimacy that friends just don't share. Four times in my life I have had non-sexual relationships that lasted over two years. Sleeping in the same bed, trading massages, having baths together without touching, celebrating birthdays, meeting each other's families and close friends, almost buying property together in one case..... they are unconventional ways of sharing love, and because of either an absence of desire, trauma in the other from sexual abuse, or a lack of permission to pursue sexual love, they largely looked platonic to the outside eye. For me, it is about the loving. The sex is almost something different to me, and it makes me wonder if I should even mix the two again until I find someone that I really feel can synthesize both parts of my heart.
I love this time in my life. The feeling of having arrived fully into self. Independent, confident and joyful, full of acceptance and excitement. Fitter than I have ever been, centered and happy, enjoying my friends, family, work and leisure time all equally. My greenhouse is filled with growing things, my home well looked after, my dog deliriously content with life. Road trips and a fun trip to New York planned, weekends away with friends, camping trips, hikes, runs and fitness dates lined up. Going to the city for shows and dinners, attending art exhibitions and going dancing. I am truly and absolutely in love with my life, and the work I am doing with counsellors has gotten me to a place of radical self-forgiveness and acceptance and in turn, the same feelings extend out into every portion of my life. It's not that life is without its challenges, or that there are not emotional times; it's that I have a deeper sense of internal strength and peace than ever before in my life, and it is coloring everything with a simplicity that I lacked previously.
Today is CBT with my new therapist, then a BBQ with an ex girlfriend, followed by a chill night with Cereb. He has a massive responsibility at work today that effects an entire region of people, and I intend on making him delicious food and unwinding in the hot tub with him - he handles pressure beautifully in many ways, but I can see it hold him tightly from time to time. He is perfect at what he does. And I mean perfect. His brain is one in forty-nine million when it comes to IQ, and it leaves me panting with happiness and wonder when we rip into the meat of life together in conversation.
Hoping everyone has a great weekend!