You know, I hate vomiting out verbal diarrhea, but it's 2:45am and I'm miserable. I'm sure I'm wrong somehow but I am totally out of spoons.
So Mark has been getting dating advice off this website (http://www.girlschase.com/
), and he's sent me links to a few articles. I keep finding myself getting massively triggered when I read them. It's not because I'm thinking of him with other girls. I haven't even gotten there with my anxiety. It's because websites like that treat women like interchangeable objects or prizes or at any rate, not like individual human beings. They preach the "one twue way" to date. The articles are all written in an arrogant, misogynistic tone, and I find it extremely upsetting.
My husband says it's "game" and guys who treat women like that have lots of sex. I get upset because I see it as being manipulative, and that isn't the kind of person he is. He tells me that he's changing and everything between us is going to be better, that he's more confident and happier and all that jazz. I keep getting triggered over and over by that stupid website. I can't believe someone as intelligent as he is wants to read that stuff. He says he doesn't want to be a pickup artist or anything like that but I don't understand why he's reading it then.
When I get upset, he gets upset that I'm not being supportive. I don't think he realizes how scary it is to hear that your partner is changing and then to see them reading the kind of stuff that will change them into someone you don't want to be around anymore. And I know what people on this site will say; if he changes into someone like that, I'm free to choose not to be with him. Right. I get that. But we have thirteen years in together and I'm just plain scared. He's a good person- how can he want to be like that? Why would he even read horrible stuff like that? I do not like men who behave in such a fashion. I hate it when people lump a whole gender together, and he's been doing that too. Every time I hear him say "women want so and so" I get triggered and I just can't think straight anymore. I'm feeling less attracted to him as a result because I find this so repellant. And he brushes me off when I say not all women are the same because he points out that women in my demographic (Dominant, sexually open) are in the minority and he's right, but that doesn't have anything to do with my point that everyone deserves to be treated as individuals. What's wrong with just being yourself and getting to know someone and seeing where it goes?
I know Mark really does feel like women are an alien species. It's no coincidence that I asked him out when we started dating. He's never felt good or comfortable talking to any women. So I think it's great that he's becoming more confident. While I'll admit that I am nervous/uncomfortable/jealous about him potentially dating or fucking someone new, that's something I'm willing to deal with on my own. I'm not perfect, so I can't say that I'm going to be deliriously happy, but I do love him very much and I want him to be able to experience what I have.
And then we start spiraling off each other, which is clearly not productive. He gets upset that I'm not supporting him, and I get upset that he wants me to support that, and that I don't feel listened to. His responses get monosyllabic and I know he's just waiting me out. It's the antithesis of good communication. Normally this isn't something we have a problem with but every time this site comes up or he makes a comment generalizing women, I get triggered. Telling him I'm triggered doesn't help because he says he doesn't understand why. His solution is just to stop talking to me about it and I can't see how that will bring us closer together either. He wants me to be his friend and help him and I want to do those things.
It's not like every conversation about him dating has gone that way. I helped him put together two profiles and I offered to help him write messages to the women on those sites. So I know 100% it's not just my anxiety about opening his side of the relationship. It's specifically related to that website, and the idea of picking up random women.
We had a conversation where he was saying he wants to be able to just chat with random women, like meeting them in a store or a coffee shop or whatnot and to be able to get them to want to fuck him. He even told me he wished he'd hit on his hotel clerk. And since it falls back on the principles from this site, how to manipulate some random woman into wanting to have sex with you, I find myself triggered again. It feels so dishonest to me. He even asked me what I thought about him taking off his wedding ring for situations like that because he thought if he made it clear he only wanted a one night stand that it shouldn't matter if he's married and it would lower his chances! I'm not sure if he understood why that upset me, either.
I knew there was going to be some friction as things changed but I didn't know it was going to be like this. I feel like he's dumped everything on me all at once. It's not just, I want to have sex with other women. It's him changing all these personality characteristics about himself and I worry because I don't know who he's going to be. He's even changing his clothes to a new style that I don't like. What if he changes all the things I like about him? I can't imagine the man I married wanting to be like the jerks in those articles, but here he is reading them. I don't know what to do and I don't know how to feel. I just want it all to go away and that isn't productive either.
It's like he expects me just to drop all my worries and feelings and just support him. When we opened up my end, I didn't change everything all at once. Obviously there has been some change... but I didn't go overnight from being a straight vanilla monogamous wife to a bisexual kinky polyamorous one. I feel like I don't know what to expect and that I can't cope with all the changes at once. All he does is say over and over that I'll like the new him and not to worry. I don't see how it's possible for me not to worry under the circumstances, and then he feels hurt that I don't have faith in him.
Something's got to change because this isn't working. I suspect a big part of it is that we haven't spent any time together in more than a month and we're still more than a week away, and he'll only be home for a week then. But this is awful. I feel so overwhelmed and emotionally flooded. I feel very alone. He's always been my rock and my best friend, and I don't feel that way right now.
I'm too tired to think straight. I just don't know anymore. After the whole thing with that girl, where he agreed it was a bad idea and said he wasn't going to pursue her but refused to apologize for pushing my boundaries because he "had to do it", I just feel like he's going to do whatever he wants to do and my feelings don't matter. That makes me want to detach emotionally so that I don't get hurt, and I know that is a really, really bad idea.
I should probably go to bed.