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Old 05-21-2014, 01:36 PM
tenK tenK is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Scotland
Posts: 478

I feel for you here, I really do.

I don't have much good advice, but it does strike me that, given she knows that you like her in 'that way' (even if you haven't mentioned the L-word), and that (presumably? If not, you really might want to consider telling her) she knows about your asexuality and therefore how much of a big deal that night is/was to you, it wouldn't be unreasonable for you to ask her to maybe tone down the details about her and the sex with the new guy?

That's not the same as 'out of sight, out of mind'. She shouldn't stop talking about him, or her feelings, but there's no need to tell you how mind-blowing he is in the sack, or such-like. I am close friends with almost all of my ex-partners, and one of the tacit agreements I seem to make quite naturally with them is that we don't get all gushy about new romances in the early stages of that transition from lover to friend. It could well be the case that since your sexual experience happened just the once, for her you never made it *out* of that transition of friend to lover, and hence your pal is unaware that some sensitivity is required in going back to pure friendship for you.

It could also likely be the case that she is somewhat consciously or sub-consciously choosing to give you *more* details than she normally would to reinforce the point, without having to say it, that she's not interested in you. For some people, that can seem less awkward than having to deal with the uncomfortableness of a perceived imbalance in feelings or wants in a relationship. If that is what is going on here, I think you have to address it head on. Reassure her that you got the message loud and clear, that you are very happy with the friendship on offer, but that it would help that friendship more if you were allowed a little space to grieve for what might have been. Because I think that's what's happening here: you just need some time and space, without her new relationship being in your face, to acknowledge the hurt of your first romantic disappointment.

Rest assured that what you are feeling is a 'normal' part of romantic rejection. What is unique for you, if I understand you correctly, is that you don't feel like 'there are many more fish in the sea' for you. However, rest assured, those of us for whom that adage does apply more readily never got any comfort from that anyway! Comfort comes when you reach the point of accepting reality and being content with it, and that's the same whether you are asexual or not; when friendship, rather than romantic partnership, feels like the first prize and not the consolation. People might kid themselves that they get to that point when they form a new romantic attachment for someone else, but I never experienced things that way. It's just something that happens gradually over time, when you stop feeding the fantasy of wanting something more, and then wake up one day without that niggle in your heart.

Last edited by tenK; 05-21-2014 at 01:38 PM. Reason: silly typo
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