Mental health day
Ack. Iím taking a mental health day from work today. My feelings of being run down have come to a bit of a head, and I am feeling an overwhelming need to rest, think, and feel. I have uncovered a well-spring of grief and regret inside myself, and sifting through it is indeed challenging work. I feel as if I am tip toeing through a mine field of depression and break down, acting out. As the finality of the end of my marriage to Cinder sets in, REALLY sets in, and I uncover all the feeling associated with that. I thought I would start the day off and get it out, now, and hope for a cleansing breeze to blow it all away.
I took the day off yesterday, as well. It is a stat holiday up here in my neck of the woods, and I have had a deep yearning for a day(s) off, so I blew off my work commitments. Damn I work hard, and a lot. Tough for me to slow down sometimes. So Iím sitting in bed with a coffee while the morning sun streams in, listening to classical music. Just my pup and my thoughts put to words for all who care to see. I get so lonely sometimes not being in a primary partnership, I think I have been single all of three months in the last twenty years, before the breakup of my marriage to Cinder. It takes some adjustment. I notice my pattern of dipping into feelings of depression and hopelessness, loneliness and fear, to be aware of it and then come up for air, not allow myself to dwell or dawdle in those feelings. Going for long walks, eat well. Sleep. Well sleep when I can, because I was up all night. Tomo woke me in a panic to go outside, and being on the 4th floor necessitated that we go Ė NOW. I remember how annoyed I use to get when we first got dogs in moments like this, and now I just quickly get dressed and do whatever I can to help him, without any anger or frustration. We wandered around for like 30 min while he ate grass and did his business, at 3 in the morning. So quiet and cool. I was filled with regret, missing Cinder and our life, and was remembering so many little wonderful moments together that I began to feel ill with loss.
It all kind of started for me yesterday on a little walk to the local grocery, and I saw Cinderís mom half a block up ahead of me. She was walking, kind of looking around. I thought about going up to her and saying hello, after all here was a woman that I made Christmas brunches for years, who I had shared a family with, and who had worked to undermine my place in that family. Previously I had gone through a number of scenarios of what I would like to say to her if we ever bumped into each other. I was filled with emotions. Part of me wanted to talk to her, and part of me wanted to just let it go. So I just walked away. Far better to just leave it. If she had wanted to talk to me she had ample chance during the separation. Of course she believed her daughters side of everything. I felt like I was expendable to that family, and was never really a part of it, as the reality played out. So that near interaction triggered a real sense of loss and longing for closure, of compassion from her family. I want to shake this feeling of being tossed on the dung heap by them. I know Cinder has instigated a no contact order for her friends and family, she made everyone choose sides. Her one friend who kept in contact with me, someone who she considered her brother, and who at one time lived with her family, has been cut off for defying her in this way. Crazy. Plus I didn't want to give her another reason to call the police on me. Fawk.
So struggling with loneliness, but resolute to move deeper into that. Not feeling lonelier lol but not wanting to make commitments out of a need to fill that emptiness. I want to feel it and work it out for myself, be self-sufficient in that way. In some ways it feels like the breaking down of the old me. A shedding of skin. So Iíll rest today and recover a little. Talk to some good friends. Chiquita already texted me this morning so that helps, making plans to come visit next weekend that helps. I am a very tactile lover and want that in my life, the closeness and the intimacy. Writing here is kind of like that, being intimate with my thoughts and feelings with a lot of strangers, vulnerable. It is good for me I think.