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Old 05-19-2014, 02:27 PM
elemental elemental is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 60
Default endgame

Finally heard back from Cinder around the finalising of our separation agreement / divorce. It's been such a long time coming I am not convinced that this will be any different from all the other promises she has made around completion, but we'll see. Her email was very detailed so that is helpful. It will be right around the one year anniversary of her evicting me from our life, the hardest year of my life. It would make a fitting end to it all, and I am ever so hopeful that this isn't more of her game playing. We will see.

Our wedding anniversary has just passed as well. I had completely forgotten about it until well after, which I am glad for. I don't need more time dwelling on the life that has been lost to me. I can feel the memories pulling apart inside of me, dissolving. We had so many good times together, there was so much love, now it is just a wasteland. It takes me a moment to run through everything to get to the point of "ah" that's why we are not together. She is not the person who lived in my head, in my heart. I won't fool myself again.

Had a nice visit with Chi on Saturday, and a wicked lie in bed well into Sunday. My time with her is so relaxing and restful. We have such great sexual chemistry. We have been seeing each other for over a year now regularly, and have yet to have a fight about anything. How different it is from my life with Cinder, zero volatility, except in bed I don't want that again in my life, that rubbing raw with someone, the emotional spilling over. How great it is to be involved with people who don't experience emotions like a daily trip to the roller coaster, tiltawhirl and hellivator all in one visit. I will never do that again, I guess I should be grateful to Cinder for showing me that I don't need or want that in my life. An expensive and painful lesson.

Raven is like that, emotionally responsible, which is one of the reasons I fell in love with her. She is coming to visit soon, and I am so looking forward to that. Had a good talk with Chi about that, I was all nervous of some kind of emotional shitstorm, she just held my hand and kissed me lightly and told me she supported me. It was amazing. Can life really be like this? Yes please! Raven and I haven't seen each other for a year and a half. Whoa.

It got me thinking about Cinder's accusations about me being dishonest, and how I internalised that. I realise that I was conditioned to keep certain things from her, because I couldn't deal with her constant emotional swings. Because I am very honest and up front about my life and what and who is in it now, and without all the emotional terrorism I have no problem with the truth. It's funny how we take on other peoples shit and think it is our own. I am beginning to realise how important the right emotional make up is in a partner, and how we interact together makes for the success of a long term relationship. I am starting to look at that in a very different way.
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