I was woken up last night by a downpour, big fat rain drops that at first splattered heavily against the windows, followed by a deluge so loud that the building seemed to shake. So nice and cool this morning after a few days of heat and humidity. I love the cool nights in summer and the mornings too. Makes the hot toil of the day bearable, framing on a sun drenched platform or in some dusty pit. We work a lot at the lake, so mid-day dips are part of the routine. Another part of the reason I have decided to stick around this neck of the woods.
Cinder texted me the other day, three times in 10 min. I didn’t get the messages because I have blocked her number, instead receiving a block notification. I blocked her because I don’t wish to have her drop bombs in my workday, and she has blocked my number and I have no way to respond, so I would rather not deal with her in an immediate way. I have told her this, and again reminded her “email please” and have asked over and over again for updates and timelines, only to be received with silence. I guess she didn’t have anything meaningful to say, or information I had to have, in which case I’d rather not have to deal with it. Emotional flagellation not required. It irks me that she use to go on and on in her blog about how grateful she was/is to me for all the “gifts” I have given her, only to be treated with contempt in our actual dealings. It’s like she is trying cover up how shitty she is/has been to me under a mountain of verbose hyperbole. It may work on some strangers on the internet, but doesn’t work in the here and now and just further works to erode any chance of us ever being in each other’s lives. Ever.
Chiquita had a sleepover with her girlfriend last night, happy for her. I have zero desire to have knowledge of their connection beyond what she wants to tell me. I am developing good internal boundaries around relationship sharing. I don’t need constant re-assurance or communication. It’s a good place to be. I have been noticing a mellowing of my emotions, and although I still struggle at times, my emotional world has improved significantly by being away from Cinder’s dysfunction and borderline bi-polar. I see that in other peoples relationships, hear about the roller-coaster of the highs and lows, often in the same day. I am enjoying and looking forward to my relationships with women that are more even keeled. Chiquita has that, very chilled and emotionally responsible. Everyone has their moments, it’s just how we deal personally with it and how it affects others. Some people are more aware of that than others, and are more successful at mitigating that impact. I respect that immensely after having such a sloppy emotional partner.
Had some great texts with Talldoll. She read my blog and expressed concern about not wanting to put pressure on me to be friends and expend energy. It’s true I am feeling a little run down, but she is the type friend that I want in my life. That very concern is what I want, that kindness and understanding. I would be honoured to be her friend, and who knows? I am very much into the “friends first” before intimacy. Moving forward that is going to be my modus. I am done with the rushing in headfirst in a pheromone haze. Love is something I want to build, not gloss over with a thin veneer, and delude myself with premature declarations of life partnership.
Granny made a surprise visit yesterday. She contacted me and we hung out, I made her dinner, it was so easy. She’s been seeing a guy who is borderline bi-polar and diagnosed PSTD. Ugh for her. We talked and ate and smoked a J, had a proper sesh. I asked her a lot of questions which she seemed to like, and she’s a real talker lol. She shared with me her relationship style and what she’s looking for, it was so cool to have a free flowing exchange of ideas. She’s a jealous and possessive by nature, and is looking for monogamy eventually. We laughed about poly, and she said it sounds a lot like “ dating”. Exactly
. I appreciate her candor and openness, I think we are going to be friends. She’s another one of those responsible emotional types. I see similarities between her and Chi and Talldoll. Am I developing a different type? Very interesting…
Time to bustabust for work. It’s a long weekend an I am going to take a few days off to rest up, seeing Chi on Saturday night. Ahh the weekend. Have a good one y’all xo