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Old 05-16-2014, 01:13 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 4,278
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Back to the "jealousy" link: on my end.

I think I am a good communicator. I am trying hard to identify my emotions down to their roots. How much of what Ginger does is hurting me, or how much is just triggering past hurts from my ex husband? Things like that. I am trying hard to break down my jealousy into manageable bits. I've told him how I want to feel special to him (altho at first he couldn't tell me I was).

I keep contrasting why it is I feel almost nothing but compersion for miss pixi and her Master, yet feel all bent out of shape for Ginger having a new partner. Argh!

Of course, I am willing to meet with Carla and David. Ginger is the one that seems afraid of me communicating with Carla. He's afraid I will say something so harsh, she will back out of wanting to be with him. (This doesn't seem like a valid fear, she's majorly hot for him.) It's all she can do just to slow the pace of physical intimacy. I am quite sure she can hardly wait to do oral and PiV with him, and isn't about to back out.

I am being courageous, I am doing self care, I love myself. I am trying to creatively work on this problem, over and over again.

However, I feel distant from him. The last time I saw him, last Friday night, when he got here, I was unmotivated to go to immediate delicious sex. Instead, we sat on the couch, miss pixi also in the room in a chair. I laid on Ginger's side, cuddling. We all chatted. But I didn't want to meet his eyes. I didn't feel close to him. Finally, after a full hour, I was willing to go have sex. But my heart wasn't in it. I felt like I was fucking a stranger. I even had to go into a headspace of remembering about when I was dating a lot and what it felt like to actually fuck a stranger, to be able to have pleasure and cum.

Blech. This all sounds terrible, doesn't it?

He gets his catheter out today. Now his reamed out prostate just has to continue to heal. He has tried to suppress all sexy thoughts all week since arousal felt bad with this thick catheter in place. I am not sure when he will be able to have any kind of sex again, could be another week, could be 2 or 3 more weeks.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. --Shaw

me: Mags, female, pansexual, poly, 59, loving and living with
miss pixi, female, pansexual, poly, 37

Last edited by Magdlyn; 05-16-2014 at 01:18 PM.
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