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Old 05-15-2014, 12:51 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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Hi Araneidae,

I think this is an interesting topic.

Firstly, it's great that you are all actually open to the possibility of more children. Secondly, it's great that you have a few years to think and talk about it!

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We've talked about how "strange" this potentially could be, at least by typical society standards. People find polyamory odd enough, but the potential of raising half-siblings in one poly family?
Honestly, it's good to consider it. However, I truly don't subscribe to societal norms and, for the most part, I genuinely could not give a damn what other people think. Something is only a norm until enough people create a new norm: for example, women's right to vote, and homosexuality (getting there). I've certainly had to face disapproval about raising children in a poly environment (and of course, being poly in the first place), and I say this with no venom, but pure, genuine indifference - it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks.

I actually don't find poly parenting to be a whole lot different to step-parenting. Some divorced parents are still extremely close and take holidays with their children and new partners, etc. I really see poly as an extension of that, and all that matters is whether the adults and children in the family (or extended family) are happy.

In terms of your situation, co-parenting could take many forms. Since you mention joint finances, I'm assuming you'd all want to live together under one roof? In terms of the siblings and half-siblings, I honestly feel that this is no different to people who have multiple children from different mothers or fathers living under one roof.

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On the pros side, we've also discussed that it makes things potentially easier to have so many people available for childcare, and the extra income that could be combined.
This is definitely a benefit!

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What are the emotional consequences of being in a poly relationship when two or more individuals are considering having children? I'm a little worried that I would have difficulty handling the process of S becoming pregnant and them having another baby together, but I've tempered these feelings with the reassurance that it's also an option for me with this family (some day).
I think this is an entirely natural concern and the best way to deal with it would be to identify the specific root cause of the issue. For instance, if you struggle with envy, the difficulty could be in not being a physical part of the pregnancy. If you struggle with needing to be someone's main priority (or one of), the difficulty could be in priority being given to the new baby, or to the pregnant mother. If you struggle with security, the difficulty could be in feeling that D and S are more solid, while you and D's commitment is lessened. These could be useful things to think about and tackle over the coming years.

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Since then, they have welcomed me as part of their family, and though S and I don't have an amazing relationship, we get along fine.
This would be one of the main considerations of what kind of family/parenting unit you want to create. It's important to consider whether your parenting styles match up and whether you want to share parenting with S or only with D. I do feel that all living under one roof but parenting separately could be tricky and could create segregation between the children. If you wanted a separate parenting relationship with D, it might be better to not live under the same roof, and to plan how D is going to split his time.

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Has anyone experienced anything like this?
Yes! This is my experience:

I met my GF 3 years ago - she was already married and they had a 2 year old daughter together. Nowadays, we all live under one roof and I am a third and equal parent to their (now 'our') daughter. We have talked about having more children.

We talked at length, and still talk, about the issue of raising children in a poly family. So far, our daughter is happy as a clam. At 5 years old, she doesn't understand everything yet, but seems to accept it all quite happily. Our policy is to answer any questions she asks with honesty. We haven't used the term 'polyamorous' with her, just simply explained things from a relationship and love angle.

In terms of navigating good old society, we exercise discretion when picking her up from school together and don't hold hands. We aren't 'out' (I hate that word) to her teachers, or to many of her friends' parents. This is not because *we* care what other people think, but because we genuinely believe our daughter has the right to choose what she wants to tell her friends. Our daughter is also completely able to call me what she likes, and we don't enforce the concept of two mommies. She goes through phases of calling me Mommy, and as she gets older, she will still be able to choose what she wants to call me!

So, in your situation, my overall advice would be to think about what kind of parenting setup you all want and see where you stand 4 years from now. It's also worth talking about where you all currently stand in each other's lives and if D and S had another baby, where you would stand in that situation.
__________________

me: open poly (31, female)

involved with:
GF: (41, female) my long-distance, long-term partner
Earth: (35, female) newly dating

metamours:
Hubby: (38, male) GF's husband
Garcon: (28, male) GF's boyfriend/submissive



“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." ~ Buddha

Last edited by sparklepop; 05-15-2014 at 12:58 PM.
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