Swathes of Sunshine.
Thanks Ry: It was a pretty special and fun night. I had talked to Daith about needing things to be a little lighter between us, as I am doing so much internal work. He has responded like a champion and seems to know exactly where to put his feet when dancing with me in this crazy journey called life. Hasn't stepped on my toes much, which is saying something, as I am complex and particular. He knows how to spoil me, that's for damn sure.
BlackMagic: I am so glad that we've connected on here. The only thing that makes overwhelming emotion worse is feeling alone in it. There is so much beauty in the connectivity between human beings. One of my Gods, F. Scott Fitzgerald put it beautifully: “That is part of the beauty of all literature. You discover that your longings are universal longings, that you're not lonely and isolated from anyone. You belong.” So from here to there, I tip my hat at you, and your beautiful heart. To love fiercely is a gift and a curse, and I continue to strive to see it as the former.
Skived off of work a little early to meet Petto and head to the river with the dogs. We're both itching to find a better spot, as the beach that we hang out at often gets other dogs and visitors. Our pack of dogs knows how to co-exist beautifully, but you put another in the mix and we have to stop talking to manage all of our canines. The warmth in the air had me wearing shorts for the first time this year, my shoulders kissed by the light, my hair blowing in the wind. Felt so good to be alive, in the company of a trusted friend, four legged friends darting around in glee. This is the rhythm of my life these days, and it is a beautiful thing.
Made a fancy dinner; starting to get my will to cook back. I have been keeping things really simple for a long time, and as my center returns, so does my love affair with all things food. I went to the store and bought everything that looked like summer, and made copious amounts of juice for visiting friends, big salads and hunks of juicy watermelon, these lovely little herbed turkey burgers topped with wilted spinach and mashed potatoes, served with a side of spicy gourmet mustard. I love getting creative with cooking in the heat; filling, but refreshing is always my goal.
Glass of wine, nice conversation on the phone with Daith, lots of texting with Viveka. She's leaving on a trip soon and wanted to connect with me and tell me that she loved me before she left. That woman. She's so good. Her and Daith met up in the city the other day; she had stuff she wanted him to give to me this weekend, and knew that he'd be away.
Cereb's house went on the market. I think that he's going to run away from it all. For real. He talked about living on a sailboat while we were at the top of a mountain the other day, and I took him pretty seriously. He's been literally getting rid of everything. It's a curious thing to stand in someone's house and there to be no furniture, no art, no belongings. Just empty rooms. He has the bare necessities, and even those seem to have been disappearing regularly as of late. He lives his philosophies in almost all ways, and it's kind of awe inspiring to witness. He reminds me a lot of my dad; super intelligent and incredibly eccentric, absolutely and completely unconcerned with the cogs of the machine of daily life.
The awkward reality of having fallen in love with Cereb seems to have landed in my lap as of last weekend - it just dawned on me all of a sudden and I couldn't stop giggling about it. It's all about his brain. I'm SUCH a sapiosexual. I am quite sure that I will manage to assimilate and morph it into a deeper friendship with him, but it's hilarious to see myself feeling smitten with him, grinning at him like an idiot. Daith doesn't mind and was glad that I talked about it with him; he has a lot of really close friendships with women and they don't bother me at all. I'm friends with them as well, and I think it's wonderful that they get to share in Daith's heart and beautiful integrity. He would NEVER do anything to hurt me, go behind my back, or lie to me. He respects me all the way down to my bones. He knows I compartmentalize the shit out of relationships, and that I have drawn a clear line in the sand around my physicality. It belongs to me, to Daith, and to Viveka. It's good.
Going for dinner and a long walk with an ex of mine tonight - we had a strange romantic friendship for two and a half years, and have settled into just friendship at my request. I found it frustrating to want to fuck her, and for her to only want the same when she had been drinking, which I always refused. Sober, or no - I'm not going to take someone's FF virginity when they're drunk, thanks. She's insanely intelligent, and is on the road to stardom, literally, in her career. We've had some lovely physicality between us, and I'm sure we'll continue to give each other back and foot rubs and have sleepovers. It's always strange to step back to zero physicality with someone that you have been intimately connected with.
Phone date with my bio-brother tonight. His adoptive father is very ill, and doesn't have much time. I'm due to spend time with him at the end of the month if everything pans out, but we need to talk and plan, and see if we can get our schedules to line up. I know he would love for me to meet his dad, and for his dad to get to meet me before he leaves this world. My heart goes out to him. The idea of my parents not being on this planet guts me to my core; I love them so much, and am so grateful for them giving me this precious gift of life.
More legal work today to finish things up with my ex. My god, the sheer volume of bureaucracy is insane! Everything just takes longer than you expect it to, but I have made peace with that aspect and just continue through the process. It always stirs up emotions for me, so I'm staying close to the ground today, and getting lots of work done.