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Old 05-12-2014, 11:17 PM
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BlackMagicBlonde BlackMagicBlonde is offline
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Sorry if this is so long as to seem like a threadjack, but your last posts really resonate with me.

This -

”The way that I handle being afraid, vulnerable, insecure, or upset has a tendency to lean towards BPD - I don't meet a great deal of the criteria, but in the way that I feel so deeply, and so intensely, I do.”

... is also me.

This -

”I used to Freak Out. Emotions would wash over me, envelop me and draw me down into the abyss of despair and terror. I had no concept of how to soothe myself out of that state when I would hit it; it manifested in all kinds of unhealthy ways starting in my mid teens. When I feel things like that now, I sit quietly and feel that emotion. I let it penetrate me and observe how I feel from a place of detachment and consciousness. I breathe, experience the flood of emotion, and self soothe. If I cannot shift it through acceptance, I go for a hike or a run...(or) something to draw me back into the physical realm and out of my head.”

...is also starting to be me.

And this -

”I give my gratitude and thanks to my ex. For forcing this part of myself up and out through both his natural state of being, and the choices that he made so many times that it became intolerable for me to not to grow as a human being. I know it was intolerable for him, and while I wish I had received more compassion and less frustration from him, I am glad that I didn't. If he hadn't have been him, I wouldn't be here, facing this with my fearless heart. The gratitude and love that I feel in my bones for him freeing me from this pattern in my life by drawing me into the depths of it is permeating every inch of me these days. What a beautiful teacher he has been in my life, and what an opportunity for real happiness I now have. The saddest way to get here? Yes. Love of my life? Gone. I miss him everyday, and that is okay. It's okay to learn through loss, and it's a beautiful part of the human experience to feel the intense, raw emotion that exists inside of the process of grief. To have loved like that is a gift that many people never get to experience, and if I allow myself to separate myself from that joy, all is lost.”

...is beautiful, good, heavy, real stuff.

And this -

”He talks about me as a whole person, accepting me as I come, and loving me just as I am. It is a beautiful gift, and we tumble into each other again, me bursting into tears at the sheer beauty of it more than once. By the time we curled into each other for sleep, my form planted firmly against the line of his body, the night was black and silent. He tucked his thumb into my fist, and the smile on my lips as I drifted off was as much for the love in my heart for my ex as it was for (him). That man held me so beautifully before sleep for years, and I am so happy to have a return to love inside of my heart for him again; letting go of sadness and pain and seeing only the beauty that was there between us, and the gifts that he has brought to my life sets us both free.”

...was so much like me curled next to J again recently, after years apart, even while there is still a river of heavy emotion and love coursing through me for Z.

Uugggghhhhh, gods... Such good feelings to know that there are people in the world and all across the spectrum who experience life/love(s) similarly and relate...

Thank gods for this forum.

“You think your pain and your heartbreak are unprecedented in the history of the world, but then you read. It was (reading) that taught me that the things that tormented me most were the very things that connected me with all the people who were alive, or who had ever been alive.”
― James Baldwin


Appreciate you sharing thoroughly and articulately as always, CBG
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