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Old 05-10-2014, 11:17 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Location: Portland, OR
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Originally Posted by levidia View Post
I know you mentioned not to encourage mediating between them. Could you elaborate on how that would affect me in becoming an equal partner (since that is something I hope for in the end)? I always encourage them to talk to each other, but sometimes, I feel like I get sucked into it because they have an easier time expressing themselves to me than to each other.
Relationship dynamics are tough to predict certainly when I don't actually know the people involved, so keep that in mind with my advice.

When it comes to relating as equals, I think that the best way to go into it is to view each relationship as individual and set that kind of precedent. People tend to accept one another based on the role they seem to fill and it can be difficult to grow past it. As a kind of extreme example to illustrate the idea, I think of it like the Aunt who keeps sending you gifts appropriate for a 12 year old, because that's how she learned to relate to you - or an older sibling who still treats you like a flunkie because they were always better at throwing a baseball than you... even though you are both adults now and such ways of relating are no longer relevant.

Being a mediator for a couple you care for might be kind, but it might not be a role that is custom made for being respected as an equal partner a year down the road. That's not to say that a person can't change their role, I'd just keep an eye on the precedent you are setting.

Originally Posted by levidia View Post
towards me asking about how the wife and my relationship will develop. What would you recommend in terms of what to talk about in this situation? And do you mean between her and I, or all three of us?
I meant between you and her, though if it would be more constructive to converse with both of them then so be it. I view interpersonal relationships as being between two people - always. While they are a couple, you are still relating to her and you are relating to him. Shorthand can be used to describe the relationship in "dating a couple" kind of terms, but I find it is always helpful to remember that you are in fact managing two independent relationships with two fully functional humans. BUT, as far as communication, I figure you should do what works (meaning, talk to them together if that's better).

So, as far as what to discuss: Is it a requirement that you and she be as close as soul mates and fuck like bunnies? Would it be just as good if you were simply accepting of each other and friendly influences in each others lives? Even if you became strictly platonic at some stage? How does everyone see this playing out and how critical is the nature of that relationship?

If there are no expectations in this regard then there is no harm done. The goal here is to get as many expectations out on the table as possible so that you can discuss what you want frankly and with full knowledge of your situation. The last thing you want is to discover 6 months down the road that they expected a fully romantic relationship between all three of you when you are only halfheartedly interested in her... for example.
Me: male, 43, straight, non-hierarchical, independent
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