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Old 05-10-2014, 09:16 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Richardson, TX
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Originally Posted by levidia View Post
I find it is an interesting dynamic where his wife and I did not develop any form of relationship to each other until we were already thrown into this. This is something I’m wondering if it is an issue? Based off of the other threads I’ve read, it seems that there was a friendship formed between both partners before entering into relationship.
I think it's good that you're using a resource like this board but don't let yourself get sucked in to thinking that there is a right way to do it. We can all probably suggest a few things to avoid, but what is a red flag to me might just be a minor bump in the road for you.

Right now it sounds like you are all doing pretty well, considering how difficult a transition like this can be.

Originally Posted by levidia View Post
Both his wife and I have had some third wheely/jealousy feelings sprout out here and there, in which we have done our best to try to handle by talking it through and letting everyone know about. The wife and I never blame each other for it and actually talking to each other makes the jealous feeling go away faster, because the other person always gets where the emotion is coming from and is very understanding towards it.
Keeping jealousy a secret and treating it like it's some big bad wolf only makes it worse. So, you guys keeping it out in the open and supporting each other through it is likely to keep it defused or at least minimize the impact of the occasional explosion.

Emotions happen and that's totally cool, just so long as we don't let them rule us and we continue to learn from our failures (and victories).

Originally Posted by levidia View Post
I also tend to be a mediator between the two to help communicate better. However, I don’t know if for my wellbeing if it was a wise thing in general to enter this kind of relationship knowing that the two have personal problems that they need to solve?
Eeek! I personally would not encourage you to continue doing anything like mediating between them. Support, love, be kind... sure, but setting yourself up as the mediator might be a difficult role to get out of should you decide you want to be more of an equal partner.

Originally Posted by levidia View Post
I am also fearful of not knowing how to continue in a long term polygamous relationship with a married couple.
Unknown expectations are one of the easiest things to cause drama in a relationship. Everyone has this kind of game plan regarding how they imagine a relationship playing out and it's important that you and your partner express those to each other very plainly. It would probably be a good idea for his wife to be in on this conversation since it seems the three of you are so closely linked to one another - but that's your call.

How do each of you imagine these things playing out?
Splitting time
What about kids
Moving in vs having your own place
Getting a job out of state
Texting each other while he's on a date with her and vice versa
Being a partner or being a secondary
Relationship between you and her
Dating people other than the three of you
Just to name a few. Take a look at the Golden Nuggets forum to get some more ideas. The more ground you cover the less of an unknown boogie man your growing relationship will be. You can also discover any huge red flags this way and avoid a lot of future pain.

Originally Posted by levidia View Post
I have a lot of care for his wife, and I love being with her too, but it doesn’t feel quite as strong of an attraction as I do for her husband…Could it be because I only started developing a relationship with her after developing a relationship with her husband?
Relationships develop according to personality chemistry and time spent together (more or less). They do NOT develop simply because we decide we want them to. This is one of the expectations you guys should DEFINITELY talk about.

Originally Posted by levidia View Post
I’m fearful that having that connection with him and not her is something that doesn’t make the relationship equal?
You're relating to other people, not dividing up players for kick ball. I suggest you let the idea of "equal" go. Relationships aren't going to be equal because they involve different people with vastly different personalities.
Me: male, 40, straight, single

Last edited by Marcus; 05-10-2014 at 09:19 PM.
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