Z and I talked several times on the phone today, not knowing necessarily where to leave it, what with closing the door on being lovers, being more distant than "close friends," and my want to explore what is still there between myself and J.
I thought it was okay leaving things "in space."
He called me later this evening, and I stepped out on the patio of the establishment I was in to call him back. Told me that he felt like it was something he could do that was good/loving for both me and J, and better for him (Z), if I not contact him outside of a personal emergency or if I "need" him.
I told him that the reciprocate applies; when and if he ever needs me, he need not hesitate - no matter the circumstance, I will come running, and all the forces of love and care behind me. He knows.
I ask him if he's doing this for me, or if he's doing this because it's what he wants.
Tears in my eyes, I understand, accept, and respect his decision.
A goodbye that echoes off canyon walls never before reached, and I wonder when I will ever hear from him again. My tears spill over for a few minutes. I love this man like a brother, and he's been my best friend for 4+ years. I know he is wise as well and knows what he needs most for himself, even as I have been making the decisions that I need to make for me.
I go back and make the best of the night. I sit in with the band in this new place, and people come to me afterward and tell me they've loved it. It's a good night. Most of all though, I miss my friend; my heart.
Ugh. Being human is hard. Loving is hard.
So what. We step up to the plate and do it again; further. Such is the balls-to-the-wall blessing of being human.
Amen. Selah. Source and all gods bless my heart's companion on his travels from here on out. I love him so much.
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter." - MLKJ